Happy Birthday to me!

I have always said that my 29th birthday would be the first of my many 29th birthdays since I don't want to turn 30. That is a sign I am getting older and I don't want to get old.  However, in the last year my idea of getting old has changed.  It has dawned on me that I AM OLD!  Life is about living and I have been so focused on the things I want to do before I get old that I had a stroke and got a cancer that 75 year olds get.  I had a stroke before I am 30.  I am pretty sure that makes me an old person.  Nothing wrong with being old, I have just never wanted to be old, funny thing is I never wanted to be young either.  I wanted to be 29.  29 seemed like the age that people have it all together.  People were at their "peek."  I don't really know why I believed this, but now that I am 29, I think I have so much more to learn and I am certainly at no peek in anything.  I want to get old.  Getting old is a rare gift; everyday is a gift from God, but the real treat is when He allows you to get old and share all the days you have had on Earth with others.  I feel so blessed to have made it to where I am and I would not trade a thing in my life.  My life is my gift and I pray I get the gift of old age to continue to share my story with others. I had a dear friend say to me last week, "I don't know how you are alive?" LOL.  I will be honest, I don't know either but I have a guess.  I am so blessed for the gift of life God has given me and I feel extra special today since it is my birthday.  I am grateful my mom chose to have me and that God made her my mom.  I can appreciate the gift of life because of her.  She always told me I could be anything I want to be when I grow up and I have always said "I want to change the world, I want to make a difference."  Well maybe I am still alive because I have not made the difference in the world I am supposed to yet.  I don't know what I am supposed to do, but I just feel it in my heart that there is so much I want to change about the world.  I know I am making a difference in the life of my family, lets just say I love my husband but he functions a lot better with me around and I want to believe that is part of why I am here still.  I make his life easier, most days, and eventually I will do something to make the lives of other better too.  

 It sucks to have cancer on your birthday.  If life were perfect no one would have cancer, especially on their birthday.  Lucky my cancer isn't hurting today and I fell well, what a blessing.  However, I cry when I think about all the children who are diagnosed and die from cancer each day.  All of them who are diagnosed don't get to have a "normal" childhood.  Cancer changes a person and "normal" becomes a very subjective word.  Here I am complaining about cancer and there are children out there who will never get to know all the joys of human flesh.  However, at the same time I am jealous in a way of the ones who die because they get to go back to Heaven and avoid the sadness and evil of this earth.  I like to believe that Earth is a good place, but realistically there is evil in this Earth and I believe there is none in Heaven.  Where would you rather be?  I choose Heaven, but not yet, not until I am old.  There are so many children who never get to grow old and I pray for them and their families often.  

Life with cancer is not fun. I can tell you first hand living with it is not Heaven. But, cancer has let me see a little piece of Heaven and that is what I am grateful for this year for my birthday.  Having a stroke and cancer and having the fear of death made very present to me was a gift only others with near death experiences can understand but I hope to share it with you. Having a stroke and being diagnosed with cancer gave me a piece of Heaven on earth that I will cherish until I get to Heaven.  To me, Heaven on Earth is waking up alive, not necessarily feeling well but alive with a pumping heart, and seeing the love in my sons eyes, seeing the quirky smile on my husbands face, seeing my dog get excited to see me every time I come back into the room, seeing the sun rise, seeing the wind blow the trees so effortlessly, and so much more my list could go on.   I am so grateful to be alive this year for my birthday because less than 12 months ago I thought I was leaving this Earth for good and would not get to celebrate any more birthdays on this Earth.  Today really is my one and only 29th birthday  since I am looking forward to turning 30, 40, 50 even 100 because that means God trusts me enough to get old and do something in this world.