I just want to be like everybody else!

"Being special isn’t so special. You will still feel frustrated. You will still feel lonely. You will still feel like you could have done more."  This is from Mark Manson's post Being Special.  

My mom has, with the best of intentions, always told me and my sister we were special.  Sure most moms probably tell their kids this.  I know I tell my son all the time how special he is to me and how the world is so lucky to have such a special boy in it.  I am about to recant these statements and say he is not special nor am I special and nobody in this world is special.  We are all just people trying to get by.  Cancer has taught me I don't want to be "special;"  I just want to be like everybody else!  I don't like being "special."  I want to worry about the little things like what color will I paint my toe nails.  I want to get mad at the things I can't control  external to me like when traffic is bad.  Sure it is nice to not find stress in those situations that use to stress me to the max, however now it sucks knowing that I have to worry and get mad about my life.   I worry everyday when I wake up, is today my last day?  Is my tumor growing and changing my brain? I just coughed, is the cancer spreading in my body?  I don't want to be worried about these things.  I want simple worries and not to be "special."  I believe we all suffer from something, so instead of us all being "special" with that thing, we are all "not special."   For me, being "not special" makes me feel like the norm, and all I want is to be normal again.  I don't like when people classify me as different, or "special" when they find out I have cancer.  I am still just me, just that fun loving Cass-hole with a lot on her mind.

I grew up believing I was special because I seem to always be in control of my life, able to accomplish anything I put my mind too.  Well, cancer brought me down off my high horse and helped me see I am not always special and able to control my life.  I thought I beat cancer and went into remission in January 2014, then March 2014 a new tumor was growing.  Ouch, there went my ability to control cancer.  Cancer has honestly been the first thing I don't believe I can 100% control.  To take the control, the best I can, I, and those around me, have even turned my getting cancer into me being "special" because it is so unique in it's type and that it has effected me at my age.  Primary CNS Lymphoma is a weird lymphoma.  It is not like regular lymphoma where people have swollen lymph nodes.  I never had one swollen lymph node, only tumors in my brain.  People often assume that I have brain cancer since I have tumors in my brain.  I don't have brain cancer because I have Primary CNS Lymphoma.  I am "special" because I don't really fit neatly in one category of cancer.  Further I am special because I was diagnosed with this at 28, the average age is 75.  

These weird facts about Primary CNS Lymphoma makes me "special" and it sucks.  "Special" feels a lot like lonely; it feels like I am the only "special" one with Primary CNS Lymphoma and nobody understands me.  Though online I have "met" a few other "special" ones with Primary CNS Lymphoma, the Primary CNS Lymphoma crowd is not generally hanging out in the doctors office., we are a small crowd.  My transplant oncologist, nice man, said he specializes in lymphoma but has never had anyone with what I have so he has to work closely with the neuro-oncologist, who specializes in brain tumors but doesn't usually have to deal with lymphoma.  So unlike someone with say breast cancer who can see a doctor that specializes in breast cancer, I have to see two doctors who specialize, kind of, in what I have but neither has a firm grasp of exactly what I have.  I love my doctors, don't get me wrong I would not trade my care for the world, but it sucks being so unique and "special."  I just want to be simple.  My mom and husband say I am drama queen but really all I want is a simple life.  Nothing "special."  I am an organized person, I want to fit into a category like everyone else who has either lymphoma or brain cancer.  I don't want to be "special" and not fit neatly into one category. 

At the end of the day I don't want to be "special."  I just want to be like everybody else.  Cancer has made me feel "special" long enough.  I am ready for it to go away.  I think it should go away from everyone so we can all be not special together!  Then we can not do more and be simple together.  Life is simple when you are not special and that is all the "special" I need.