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Well today, like every day was another blessed day because I woke up and I am here. I had the chance to go to lunch with a fellow cancer survivor who is on her third battle with Lymphoma. Please say a prayer for my new friend Penny that she remains strong through this clinical trial that is keeping her well. She is a true fighting soul like me and I she has been dealing with cancers grip since 2010. Penny and I met because I wanted to find out about her experience with an autologous stem cell transplant [ASCT]. She had one at Fred Hutch which is where I will be going for the transplant. I was so inspired to hear about how it went for her. She was honest with me and that is all I ever ask from people. I know it will not be a fun experience but meeting and hugging someone that had one gave me comfort that it will all be ok. I left my lunch date feeling with continued confidence about the ASCT. However, my confidence was shattered when I actually began reading the booklet I was sent about transplants. I just sat and cried. When did this become my life? When did trying to understand a stem cell transplant become "normal"? I haven't cried about my cancer in at least a week and this was a bigger cry than I cried in months. I am scared. I am grateful for my husband who just lets me cry, but it is hard since this should not be my life. I should not have to cry about cancer and cry about getting healthy. I am 29, I should just be healthy! I want to be done with cancer. I thought I was prepared for the ASCT since we have been talking about it since April and it is the one treatment that should put me into remission. However, the reality of knowing I will meet the doctor who will preform the procedure tomorrow brought on a flood of emotions. I don't like having mixed emotions. I am a simple girl. I want to be happy or sad. Not both. I am happy to have insurance and the opportunity to get "well" from my cancer through the ASCT. Yet I am sad that this is my reality. Most people my age are having kids or starting careers. That was supposed to be me. Instead I am trying to just stay alive. It is a blessing and a curse. Cancer makes death real. It is like when I walk I know that the little black cloud is following me. We all have that black cloud because inevitably we will all die, but before I was diagnosed with cancer I was oblivious to the black cloud. Everywhere I go, that cloud is now there, shouting at me and making his presence known.
I feel that I have been given this second chance at life surviving a stroke and beating cancer once. I am too stubborn to let cancer kill me, though all the crap that goes with cancer might kill me or at least drive me crazy. The embarrassment that comes with forgetting stuff all the time; the sadness when I have to tell my son "no mommy cant play with you I am too tired or I don't feel well"; the body aches that come from nowhere; the night sweats that make me question if I peed myself; the having to wait for MRI results to find out if I am getting "better" and if the tumor is shrinking when I have no patience to begin with; the look of fear in others' eyes when I tell them I have cancer; the calming others down when I tell them I have cancer; and so many other things my list could go on for days. I was still considered "normal," I use that term loosely since my family says I have never been normal, a year ago. My stroke was 7/11 so I was "healthy" and everything less than 365 days ago. I live in awe some times, in disbelief that this is my life. I just don't understand. I know I will never understand and honestly I get that, but with my control issues it doesn't stop me from wanting to understand. I am a questioner. I love to know why things happen. Cancer is one thing I will never know why it happened to me and that sucks! I don't want cancer to be part of my life, yet here it is. Sure I wake up feeling fine and some days, I feel better than I did 365 days ago. I feel "healthy" and wonder is this really my life? How can I feel healthy? I have cancer. I should not feel well, but I do.
I guess this really is my life. I am grateful for it, but I don't understand it. Guess that is why I am human. My life really has changed the past year. Have you had any change this past year that make you wonder, is this really my life?
Reading about the Fred Hutch school gave me a good distraction when I couldn't handle the scary parts of SCT. They have some really awesome programs that will allow you to still have your son with you as much as possible. I thought I was going to have to go the entire time without my kids, and that was causing even more fear for me. Of course, I haven't gotten mine yet, how sad is it that I am hopeful of getting a risky procedure, because it's my only hope of a possible cure. And that they wanted me to get a positive response to chemo before they will even consider me. Why do I have to go through more chemo, just to get approved for a procedure that involves high dose chemo to kill off my bone marrow? It still doesn't make sense to me, but I'm not the dr's I guess. Anyway, do some research on the school and the housing, those are the two things that gave me hope as I realized at least I won't have to be without my family during the struggle. Hang in there, you are stronger than you feel!
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