Hair

So It has been a year since my special hair cut.  Feel free to check out the video of Brandon and Brayden giving me my hair cut following my brain surgery.  It was hard for me to cut my hair, but it wasn't too hard since the doctor had already shaved like half my head.  I wanted to shave my head at that point.  My hair looked ridiculous!

 I have been getting excited because my hair is getting to a length I like.  I am starting to feel like a girl again.  I actually used my blower dryer for the first time in a year this past week.  It was a great feeling.  However, my good feelings were shot down when I  found out this week that I will most likely lose my hair again when I go through the stem cell transplant.  That makes me sad.  I know, I know, it is just hair.  I get that.  Honestly, I would rather have my heath than my hair.  It just sucks.  Losing my hair is a sign that I am really sick.  It is a physically reminder of what is going on inside my body.  I don't like being reminded I am sick.  
I got rid of some of my wigs and caps since I was told I was healthy.  I went into remission and did my good deed and sent wigs and caps to people that can use them who are going through chemo.  Guess that is what I get for being nice.  Now, I am that sick person again who needs wigs and caps to protect my bald head.

I am grateful my husband loves my bald head, he says he loves that he can spoon me and my hair does not attack him, lol.  Man I love that guy.  I wish the rest of society was so accepting of bald women.  I admit, I like wearing wigs because it is fun to play with my personality, but they are itchy and uncomfortable, I don't like wearing them all the time.  Yet, I wear wigs in public most of the time because I hate the looks I get from strangers when they see my bald/ very short hair.  Maybe I am being paranoid, but people give me what I call "sad eyes" when they look at me.  That is where they look at me with pitty and sorrow.  I don't need anyone's pitty or sorrow.  I believe my life if good.  Sure I have cancer but I am not sad.  This is my life and I know I will be fine, however when I get pitty eyes it makes me doubt.  I don't want to doubt my life so I wear wigs so I look "healthy."  I feel like I have to pretend to be healthy to feel healthy, and that isn't a horrible thing.  Know that saying "fake it till you make it," well that is what I do with wigs.  I am faking that I am healthy until I am healthy.  I know in therapy I tell people to be honest and be their true self and in the past I would have probably discouraged the "fake it till you make it" mentality, now I would support it 100%/ For me I am not currently healthy, but I will be.  My true self is healthy, and that is who I want to be.  So I will fake being healthy until I am healthy.  If that means wearing an awful wig, then so be it.  Remember, it is just hair. ;)

Have you ever faked something until you made it?