While I sit in the hospital, getting the nastiest chemo I have ever had, I got to thinking about my situation and how I can be grateful for the experience and knowledge I have received from being a patient, but at the same time I am not happy about it. We live in a world were it seems if someone is unhappy they are ungrateful or vice versa, if a person is grateful, then they must be happy. I have decided gratitude and happiness are not synonyms for the same things. Gratitude is a place of being, a state of mind. Happiness on the other hand is a mood and moods change like wind. I believe we can feel sadness, anger, fear, or any other emotion while still living in gratitude.
As I was packing my suitcase to come to the hospital I was angry. I don't want to go through the chemo and I don't want be away from my family. I don't like being isolated from others. Cancer is very isolating and then throw in chemo that gives you no immune system and it is even more isolating. I was and still am not happy about cancer but I am grateful that I am able to go to a hospital and get the treatment I need. I am grateful because I have family that on the drop of a dime is able to be come and support me while I am in the hospital. I am grateful to have faith in something larger than me.
Now, even though I am grateful, I am hoping and praying my voyage with cancer will END after I get the stem cell transplant this week, I am at day -5 of transplant. I am grateful for all the praise and positive support from my doctors and even though I am grateful for them, I am NOT happy to have cancer or have had a stroke. However, there is a little voice inside me that says "These experiences are your experiences, share them to help others." This little voice makes me happy and takes away some of my anger and fear.
I speak from experience, cancer sucks, however, I believe there is always a silver lining. I believe living a grateful life, whether you are the richest person or the poorest person in the world, is key to understanding our emotions. Gratitude is a way of being. It is noticing the good around you, even when you are angry and it seems like everything is bad.
I wish someone would have told me a long time ago, "it is okay to be grateful and not happy, when you live gratefully, eventually you will find your happy, your sad, and other emotion that makes you human." I believe that living gratefully makes us appreciate all emotions, the happy and the sad, because in each experience with an emotion we are looking for the good around us.
What are your feelings about gratitude and emotions?
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