Why do you have cancer?

This week my son said the cutest thing, he says cute things all the time but this one really stood out to me since it made me tear up.  Of course when I cried he turned into his daddy and said "mommy stop crying, you are fine."  Anyway, we were driving and had this conversation:

Brayden:  "Mommy, why do you have cancer?"
Me: "I don't know doodle bug"
Brayden: "Did you ask Dr. Malpass?" (my oncologist, yes my 5 year old knows my doctors name)
Me: "I did ask him.  He doesn't know.  He thinks because I am special." (made that part up because my doctor really doesnt know, he calls me his "pediatric patient" since the average age for Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma [PCNSL] is 75)
Brayden: "Mommy, I don't like you having cancer."
Me: "Me either Buddy, but I am ok."
Brayden: "Mommy, do you think God knows why you have cancer?"
Me: "I think so.  He is the only one who knows."
Brayden: "When I get to heaven can I ask him?"
Me: "You sure can.  I will go to heaven before you though so I can ask and tell you when you get there."
Brayden: "Ok.  Can we just go to heaven and ask him right now?"
Me: "Well not until we are old and die."
Brayden: "But Mommy, I can build a rocket ship and we can just ask and come back."
Me (laughing) "Brayden we can't take a rocket ship to heaven"
Brayden: "What about an airplane?"

  Kids are amazing.  Anyway Brayden continued to come up with many other ways to get to heaven to find out why I have cancer. One included riding fireworks. It was so sweet and so innocent.  I love that Brayden thinks cancer sucks, but accepts that it is just part of who I am.  Unlike strangers who I meet and then when they find out I have cancer look at me like I have to plague.  I just want to yell, I am not contagious!
I have all my own theories why I have cancer such as
* I got PCNSL because I have an old soul, so I have an old person cancer
*I got PCNSL because I worked at deep water horizon and would be covered in oil and breath in the oil that was being burned.  The smoke from the oil was so thick that it literally shaded the sun.  Oil has cancer connections.
*I got PCNSL because of the stress of getting my masters degree at USC.  I was in an intense program and stress can can cause tumor growth. My initial tumor is believed to have started growing in Feb 2013; this was the beginning of my last semester of grad school.  I was super stressed to get everything done and my hours of internship completed for graduation.  Plus I was the head of planning my 10 year reunion for high school, living in AK when party was in SD.  My 10 year reunion was the day after my graduation.
* I got PCNSL because I secretly wanted to stay home with my son and not work full time.
* I had a stroke as an intervention from God, or the other side, because I was having suicidal thoughts.  I now know these thoughts were a result of my tumors effecting my chemical balance in my brain, but had I not had a stroke I would not have discovered the tumors and that I have PCNSL
* I got PCNSL because I have lived in constant stress growing up without two parents.  Research shows children in single parent homes experience more stress than children from two parent homes.
* I got PSNSL because I was raped leading to toxic memories. Memories are stored in the brain and my brain finally had enough and needed cancer to get the memories out.

Nobody, not even my doctor, can say why I got cancer.  Especially a rare form and at such a young age.  People tell me to stop diagnosing myself.  Who better to diagnose me than myself?  I am not saying any of these reasons are my I got cancer but I am saying no one can prove me wrong! I read the book Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin.  I highly suggest it to anyone with an illness or just interested in their health and maintaining optimal health.  She provides tools for finding insight within ourselves.  I believe that understanding ourselves and how we function as an individual is the key to health.  I have been "healthy" throughout my cancer treatment and I plan to stay that way.  I am stubborn and will not let other peoples ideas of what a person with cancer "should" look and feel effect me.  I am happy and I refuse to let cancer or anyone else break my spirit down.

I hope to go to heaven before Brayden, and when I do my first question will be "Why God? Why do we have cancer on earth? "  Some say the first think we should do in heaven is thank God for allowing us in, but I doubt God will be surprised that that the first thing I do is fuss at him.  I am a pretty good fusser.  I fussed at Brandon on our first "date" and I will probably fuss at him today, so I have a long history with fussing and questioning. God knows this and I pray that he will forgive me.  It is easier to ask for forgiveness later than permission in the beginning :)

I am curious why do you think you have cancer, or any sickness?  Feel free to comment in box below.

Have a great day!!

XOXO

Happy Birthday to me!

I have always said that my 29th birthday would be the first of my many 29th birthdays since I don't want to turn 30. That is a sign I am getting older and I don't want to get old.  However, in the last year my idea of getting old has changed.  It has dawned on me that I AM OLD!  Life is about living and I have been so focused on the things I want to do before I get old that I had a stroke and got a cancer that 75 year olds get.  I had a stroke before I am 30.  I am pretty sure that makes me an old person.  Nothing wrong with being old, I have just never wanted to be old, funny thing is I never wanted to be young either.  I wanted to be 29.  29 seemed like the age that people have it all together.  People were at their "peek."  I don't really know why I believed this, but now that I am 29, I think I have so much more to learn and I am certainly at no peek in anything.  I want to get old.  Getting old is a rare gift; everyday is a gift from God, but the real treat is when He allows you to get old and share all the days you have had on Earth with others.  I feel so blessed to have made it to where I am and I would not trade a thing in my life.  My life is my gift and I pray I get the gift of old age to continue to share my story with others. I had a dear friend say to me last week, "I don't know how you are alive?" LOL.  I will be honest, I don't know either but I have a guess.  I am so blessed for the gift of life God has given me and I feel extra special today since it is my birthday.  I am grateful my mom chose to have me and that God made her my mom.  I can appreciate the gift of life because of her.  She always told me I could be anything I want to be when I grow up and I have always said "I want to change the world, I want to make a difference."  Well maybe I am still alive because I have not made the difference in the world I am supposed to yet.  I don't know what I am supposed to do, but I just feel it in my heart that there is so much I want to change about the world.  I know I am making a difference in the life of my family, lets just say I love my husband but he functions a lot better with me around and I want to believe that is part of why I am here still.  I make his life easier, most days, and eventually I will do something to make the lives of other better too.  

 It sucks to have cancer on your birthday.  If life were perfect no one would have cancer, especially on their birthday.  Lucky my cancer isn't hurting today and I fell well, what a blessing.  However, I cry when I think about all the children who are diagnosed and die from cancer each day.  All of them who are diagnosed don't get to have a "normal" childhood.  Cancer changes a person and "normal" becomes a very subjective word.  Here I am complaining about cancer and there are children out there who will never get to know all the joys of human flesh.  However, at the same time I am jealous in a way of the ones who die because they get to go back to Heaven and avoid the sadness and evil of this earth.  I like to believe that Earth is a good place, but realistically there is evil in this Earth and I believe there is none in Heaven.  Where would you rather be?  I choose Heaven, but not yet, not until I am old.  There are so many children who never get to grow old and I pray for them and their families often.  

Life with cancer is not fun. I can tell you first hand living with it is not Heaven. But, cancer has let me see a little piece of Heaven and that is what I am grateful for this year for my birthday.  Having a stroke and cancer and having the fear of death made very present to me was a gift only others with near death experiences can understand but I hope to share it with you. Having a stroke and being diagnosed with cancer gave me a piece of Heaven on earth that I will cherish until I get to Heaven.  To me, Heaven on Earth is waking up alive, not necessarily feeling well but alive with a pumping heart, and seeing the love in my sons eyes, seeing the quirky smile on my husbands face, seeing my dog get excited to see me every time I come back into the room, seeing the sun rise, seeing the wind blow the trees so effortlessly, and so much more my list could go on.   I am so grateful to be alive this year for my birthday because less than 12 months ago I thought I was leaving this Earth for good and would not get to celebrate any more birthdays on this Earth.  Today really is my one and only 29th birthday  since I am looking forward to turning 30, 40, 50 even 100 because that means God trusts me enough to get old and do something in this world. 

That's what "He" said

Please check out Julie's blog http://lessthanperfectlifeofbliss.blogspot.com/ for great reading.  I just loved her post today about asking he dad, he knows.  I don't doubt her father knows.  He is one of the most amazing men I know and I am so grateful that he was the one that sent the foundation for my marriage by officiating my wedding.  My rant today is a good one.  It is how a relationship with a father is like a relationship with God.  Many know but many don't know that I grew up without a father in my life.  Julie's post made me realize that not having a human father present was okay because when I had questions about life and why things were happening to me, things that were not supposed to happen to kids or humans in general, He, God, knew.  He knew that all these "bad" things would make me stronger.  He knew I would be fine when I didn't.  I didn't know Him, but he knew one day I would come around, He was patient.  He has given me so many chances to know Him, and me in my selfish ways would say hello to Him and go on my merry way.  It took me getting cancer to realize He knows and He knew. I know nothing in comparison to Him, well Him and my mom.  My mom knows everything too, but I know even she doesn't know as much as Him :)   I am a very stubborn woman, God knows this.  I can't help it, I was born that way.  I definitely know that is a trait I get from my mom.  I am getting to '"know" my biological father and it took me getting cancer to forgive him for not being around.  I have always believed a child NEEDED mother and a father to turn out "normal," but that the mother was the most important person in the child rearing relationship; I turned out fine with just a mom, I think I am pretty "normal."  Now fast forward in my life, I married someone from a home with a mother and a father and, well, he is not very "normal,"  but he is a great father.  Cancer has taught me that a mother and father both have important roles in a childs life; they both need to show the child love.  Cancer has made me realize that if I were gone, Brandon could take on the role of mother and father.  Though I would never want him to, that is why we are married, cancer has taught me can.  He, Brandon, knows more than I have given him credit for.  If you asked me a year ago what Brandon knows I would have said "how to be a smart ass."  Now if you ask me what Brandon knows, I know he knows God and by knowing God, he, Brandon knows all he needs too.  They say as people are age together they turn into each other, I can't believe I am saying it, but I am grateful that I know I am turning into Brandon.    


Thanks Julie for inspiring my post today :)

Choices

So in my free time this morning I watched this video.  It was me, this seemingly perfect life on the outside but inside there was so much stress and anxiety and anger.  I thought the video  was good saying that hard work does not lead to happiness.  After that I realized it was just a sales pitch.  The woman kept saying "I didnt believe in hocus pocus" yet yeah she does.  She is selling a "magic" way to fix your life.  I continued watching for a laugh.  I thought I believed in the Law of attraction, which I kind of do, but I think I believe in the power of good choices.  Sure cancer is NOT how I imagined my life, but everything after cancer seems to have worked out.  I believe my choices to join the coast guard, marry Brandon, and get my MSW all made my dealing with cancer easier.  Maybe cancer changed my "energetic properties" in the world, but really I just think it was the choices I have made.
http://manifestationmiracle.com/?hop=jp2165

Cancer food

Brayden was having lunch of strawberries and oatmeal.  He had some cheezits left over from his snack and started dumping them in his food.  I said, eww child you are gross, his response was priceless "mommy this is cancer food.  Try it, you wont get cancer."  Of course I tried it, it was disgusting,  but he is such a thoughtful boy, too bad he forgets I already have cancer.  I am so grateful he is so open about cancer.  He just "knows" he will cure me.  Kids are awesome.

Blurred lines

We live in a world with blurred lines that are just getting more blurry; and I am not talking about the Robin Thicke and Mylie Cyrus song though they have some crappy boundaries and could be a whole different rant than this Cass-hole post.  I was watching the news this morning and felt a pain in my stomach hearing about two girls in Wisconsin who almost killed another girl because they were expressing their loyalty to "the slenderman."  Slenderman is a fictional character, like the boogy man or Big foot.  These girls thought he might be real and by showing their loyalty they could run away with him.  Really??  These girls would rather run away with a killer and hurt another human than live their own life?  They are 12 years old.  Their life can not be that bad.   I find it interesting that I found and article, see weblink below, that focused on the girls expressing some regret, where on the Today show the reporter reported that one of the girls "felt bad she didn't feel more guilt for her behavior."  Well at the end of the day these girls hurt and almost killed another girl.  They should feel remorse and because they dont, that shows a real problem in our society.  There are so many blurred lines between what is real and what is fake.  What is good and what is bad.  What is right and what is wrong.  This concerns me because there should not be blurred lines between moral character.  There should be blurred lines in physical non moral things like between is this color blue or dark blue, is my hair to long, etc.  Dear Lord please help our world figure out what the real blurred lines are.

https://news.yahoo.com/police-girls-charged-stabbing-expressed-regret-144522802.html

Cancer is hard on a marriage

I stumbled upon this article today and it was so touching.  I recommend reading it for any couple going through cancer, or any illness, or a couple who wants to prepare for some sort of live changing event.  Brandon and I have definitely had our marriage tested through my stroke and cancer diagnosis.  If it were not for our "friendly" competitive nature, I don't know that I would be alive.  I thank God he was right that I just had a stroke, I was scared of a heart attack.  If he would have thought I was having a heart attack that night I probably would have had one and died because my heart literally felt like it would pound out of my chest.  Brandon was exactly who I needed him to be, not who I wanted him to be. I wanted him to cry like me and be sad.  I could die, yet he never cried or showed emotion in front of me.  He treated me like nothing had changed, pretty much told me to go do the dishes ;).  My nurse at the hospital actually smacked him because he asked if I could go home to do dishes before I got on the plane to head to Seattle for brain surgery.  Those that know Brandon know I am not exaggerating :) However, this smart ass man was who I married and God knew I would need his smart ass-ness to complement my Cass-holeness in this life.  I was so angry with him for a while about his lack of emotion, I felt he didn't care.  However, he did care.  He cared so much that he took the pain for me the best he could.  He did exactly what we were told to do in our premarital counseling with Pastor Cross.  Early in our marriage we were told to be co-pilots in marriage, meaning that if one of us is down the other can take control and get us to our final destination of a happy life.  Be equals. However remember if life is going to throw a punch, one of us should duck the punch so that one of us is strong and can keep the flight going towards that final destination.  Cancer was the punch to our marriage, however I think it was a full blown attack on our marriage.  Cancer knocked me down, but not Brandon.  Brandon stayed strong even when I was angry and wanted him to be weak like me.  That old saying misery loves company seems all too clear now.  Cancer taught me that if I am knocked down, Brandon really could handle the flight that is our life, he could be the only pilot and we would arrive at our happy destination without my guidance.        

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/how-your-marriage-can-recover-from-a-serious-illness-or-injury.html?ps=0

Another cancer lesson

Laying in bed this morning, totally uncomfortable with Brayden on my stomach, it dawned on me, there is no place I would rather be than in bed with my family.  Cancer has helped me re-prioratize my life.  Before my stroke I had have lived everyday thinking about what comes next, never enjoying the present moment.  Now every moment is special.  Every thing I have I should be grateful for.  Life can literally change over night.  I am so blessed to be able to lay around with my son and enjoy the wonder that he is and enjoy my husband for the incredible father he is.

Chasing life

Who is looking forward to this show?  I am!!!!

Free Photo Shoot

If you are going through cancer or a survivor and would like a nice picture of you and your family check out this website. http://www.magichourfoundation.org/   They offer a free photo session for cancer fighter/survivors.  I just signed up, not sure if in my area but I am looking forward to this!

Strength

I once had someone in my life who said "life sucks and then you die." I believed he was just a bitter, angry person.  Now I kind of feel bad for him, I believe he had no one or nothing to live for, unlike me.

  I had a stroke at the age of 28.  Who does that?  The night of my stroke I thought I was dying of a heart attack.  Brandon knew I was having a stroke.  We argued in the car all the way to the hospital as to if I were having a stroke or a heart attack.  We got to the hospital and I was immediately treated for a stroke.  Brandon of course gave that grin that said "I told you." I am so grateful he was right.  In that moment I was pissed and angry that he knew what was wrong with my body and I didn't.  Well I showed him,  I didn't just have a stroke, I have cancer as well.  Boom, neither of us were right, he was just closer to right than me.

This voyage with cancer had taught me there is more to life than being right, though it is hard to admit.  Cancer taught me my life did suck because I didn't realize how important my husband was to me till I almost died and wouldn't get to see him and argue with him daily.  It took me almost dying to get that the statement, life sucks and then you die, is true because if we never find that person or thing we truly love then we might as well die.  When we find that one who drives us crazy we get strength to want to argue with them to live longer.

Happy

When you have cancer you need to find your happy.  If you do what everyone else says will make you happy, you will be miserable.  People told me not to blog when I wanted to after I had my stroke,  so I didn't.   One day I said screw what others think...now I am happy!!

Good Is

Please check out this "good" version of social media, Good.is.com.  I lovw this website and the positivity it promotes.   I want to believe in the good in the world, and this website is a step in the right direction.

http://www.good.is/posts/new

Mothers judging mothers leads to anger and discrimination

How can we avoid crippling comparisons and promoting hatred in our children?  Stop judging others!! Great article about the problem with mothers.

http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/christian-trends/motherhood-isn-t-a-competition-it-s-a-calling.html

Tips

No wonder the guy driving the bus at the airport was son grumpy... he can't get tips unless the people smile but people dont smile because they are grumpy.  We just need more smiles in thw world to make bua drivers happy.

Chemo mullet

What do people do when there hair grows back?  I don't want to trim this mullet since my hair has grown back since it but shaved from the craniotomy.  However, I may lose my hair again so I want to so something to this mullet.  What do people do to style their hair in this awkward length?

Underpant gloves

Some people need nice gloves for driving a car.  My child wears under wear gloves to drive a tractor. 

Honesty

I have learned people need to listen to their doctors.  When going through cancer treatment life is scary.  My mind was going 100 miles more an hour, on top of the 250 miles an hour it goes naturally.  I regret not having a tape recorder with me and recording my doctor.  My husband would say "I will remember" and he did remember stuff but not all the info I would have liked...yes I have cancer but I didn't expect a miracle of my husband becoming a better listener.    Just remember the world wants people to speak truth...especially doctors because it would be a huge lawsuit if you got a pill made of shit ;)

Smart ass

There is humor in everything.   5 mins of laughter has the same effect on body as morphine.

Trust

Cancer has taught me life is more than money and things.  It is trusting those around us, who truly love and care about us.  The night of my stroke I didn't trust Brandon.  We bickered all the way to the hospital about whether I was having a heart attack or a stroke.  I was in pain on my left side, not bad pain just discomfort to lose control of my body. I knew heart attacks are what kill people in my family.  I knew I was dying and going by heart attack.  Brandon knew I was having a stroke.  He kept telling me my face was droppy and I looked like his papaw, the fact he said I looked like his papaw is a topic I have forgot to go back and make fun of because usually girls look like other girls.  Well we got to the hospital in record speed, I am pretty sure I told him to slow down because he was going 80 on Egan, for those not in Juneau that is our "freeway" with a max speed of 55.  Sure enough I should have trusted Brandon.  I was having a stroke.  They started me on medication and did an mri which showed something in my brain. Strokes usually involve blood flow to the brain but this masses in my brain had weird blood flow.  A CT was done to reveal 3 tumors in my right parietal lobe.  I was devistated when I was told I had tumors, and even worse was Brandon wasnt there with me because he had taken brayden to school.  That was the first time I have ever felt alone.  Well the first time i recognized that i felt that way. I though, in that moment, I had noone or nothing to live for.  Then that moment passed and I made the decision to not fight or question but trust.  I needed to trust my doctors and heed their words.  Listen to my family and take their advice. Graciously enjoy gifts and kindness from others.  Trust that everyone is looking out for my best interest.  Sure I need to advocate for me, but I also need to respect the training and life experiences of professionals.

This whole cancer business is crazy.   I would never have thought I would say it, but I trust that cancer was chosen to live in me for a reason.  Not sure what it is but I am grateful for my experiences that cancer caused.