Why do you have cancer?

This week my son said the cutest thing, he says cute things all the time but this one really stood out to me since it made me tear up.  Of course when I cried he turned into his daddy and said "mommy stop crying, you are fine."  Anyway, we were driving and had this conversation:

Brayden:  "Mommy, why do you have cancer?"
Me: "I don't know doodle bug"
Brayden: "Did you ask Dr. Malpass?" (my oncologist, yes my 5 year old knows my doctors name)
Me: "I did ask him.  He doesn't know.  He thinks because I am special." (made that part up because my doctor really doesnt know, he calls me his "pediatric patient" since the average age for Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma [PCNSL] is 75)
Brayden: "Mommy, I don't like you having cancer."
Me: "Me either Buddy, but I am ok."
Brayden: "Mommy, do you think God knows why you have cancer?"
Me: "I think so.  He is the only one who knows."
Brayden: "When I get to heaven can I ask him?"
Me: "You sure can.  I will go to heaven before you though so I can ask and tell you when you get there."
Brayden: "Ok.  Can we just go to heaven and ask him right now?"
Me: "Well not until we are old and die."
Brayden: "But Mommy, I can build a rocket ship and we can just ask and come back."
Me (laughing) "Brayden we can't take a rocket ship to heaven"
Brayden: "What about an airplane?"

  Kids are amazing.  Anyway Brayden continued to come up with many other ways to get to heaven to find out why I have cancer. One included riding fireworks. It was so sweet and so innocent.  I love that Brayden thinks cancer sucks, but accepts that it is just part of who I am.  Unlike strangers who I meet and then when they find out I have cancer look at me like I have to plague.  I just want to yell, I am not contagious!
I have all my own theories why I have cancer such as
* I got PCNSL because I have an old soul, so I have an old person cancer
*I got PCNSL because I worked at deep water horizon and would be covered in oil and breath in the oil that was being burned.  The smoke from the oil was so thick that it literally shaded the sun.  Oil has cancer connections.
*I got PCNSL because of the stress of getting my masters degree at USC.  I was in an intense program and stress can can cause tumor growth. My initial tumor is believed to have started growing in Feb 2013; this was the beginning of my last semester of grad school.  I was super stressed to get everything done and my hours of internship completed for graduation.  Plus I was the head of planning my 10 year reunion for high school, living in AK when party was in SD.  My 10 year reunion was the day after my graduation.
* I got PCNSL because I secretly wanted to stay home with my son and not work full time.
* I had a stroke as an intervention from God, or the other side, because I was having suicidal thoughts.  I now know these thoughts were a result of my tumors effecting my chemical balance in my brain, but had I not had a stroke I would not have discovered the tumors and that I have PCNSL
* I got PCNSL because I have lived in constant stress growing up without two parents.  Research shows children in single parent homes experience more stress than children from two parent homes.
* I got PSNSL because I was raped leading to toxic memories. Memories are stored in the brain and my brain finally had enough and needed cancer to get the memories out.

Nobody, not even my doctor, can say why I got cancer.  Especially a rare form and at such a young age.  People tell me to stop diagnosing myself.  Who better to diagnose me than myself?  I am not saying any of these reasons are my I got cancer but I am saying no one can prove me wrong! I read the book Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin.  I highly suggest it to anyone with an illness or just interested in their health and maintaining optimal health.  She provides tools for finding insight within ourselves.  I believe that understanding ourselves and how we function as an individual is the key to health.  I have been "healthy" throughout my cancer treatment and I plan to stay that way.  I am stubborn and will not let other peoples ideas of what a person with cancer "should" look and feel effect me.  I am happy and I refuse to let cancer or anyone else break my spirit down.

I hope to go to heaven before Brayden, and when I do my first question will be "Why God? Why do we have cancer on earth? "  Some say the first think we should do in heaven is thank God for allowing us in, but I doubt God will be surprised that that the first thing I do is fuss at him.  I am a pretty good fusser.  I fussed at Brandon on our first "date" and I will probably fuss at him today, so I have a long history with fussing and questioning. God knows this and I pray that he will forgive me.  It is easier to ask for forgiveness later than permission in the beginning :)

I am curious why do you think you have cancer, or any sickness?  Feel free to comment in box below.

Have a great day!!

XOXO

Happy Birthday to me!

I have always said that my 29th birthday would be the first of my many 29th birthdays since I don't want to turn 30. That is a sign I am getting older and I don't want to get old.  However, in the last year my idea of getting old has changed.  It has dawned on me that I AM OLD!  Life is about living and I have been so focused on the things I want to do before I get old that I had a stroke and got a cancer that 75 year olds get.  I had a stroke before I am 30.  I am pretty sure that makes me an old person.  Nothing wrong with being old, I have just never wanted to be old, funny thing is I never wanted to be young either.  I wanted to be 29.  29 seemed like the age that people have it all together.  People were at their "peek."  I don't really know why I believed this, but now that I am 29, I think I have so much more to learn and I am certainly at no peek in anything.  I want to get old.  Getting old is a rare gift; everyday is a gift from God, but the real treat is when He allows you to get old and share all the days you have had on Earth with others.  I feel so blessed to have made it to where I am and I would not trade a thing in my life.  My life is my gift and I pray I get the gift of old age to continue to share my story with others. I had a dear friend say to me last week, "I don't know how you are alive?" LOL.  I will be honest, I don't know either but I have a guess.  I am so blessed for the gift of life God has given me and I feel extra special today since it is my birthday.  I am grateful my mom chose to have me and that God made her my mom.  I can appreciate the gift of life because of her.  She always told me I could be anything I want to be when I grow up and I have always said "I want to change the world, I want to make a difference."  Well maybe I am still alive because I have not made the difference in the world I am supposed to yet.  I don't know what I am supposed to do, but I just feel it in my heart that there is so much I want to change about the world.  I know I am making a difference in the life of my family, lets just say I love my husband but he functions a lot better with me around and I want to believe that is part of why I am here still.  I make his life easier, most days, and eventually I will do something to make the lives of other better too.  

 It sucks to have cancer on your birthday.  If life were perfect no one would have cancer, especially on their birthday.  Lucky my cancer isn't hurting today and I fell well, what a blessing.  However, I cry when I think about all the children who are diagnosed and die from cancer each day.  All of them who are diagnosed don't get to have a "normal" childhood.  Cancer changes a person and "normal" becomes a very subjective word.  Here I am complaining about cancer and there are children out there who will never get to know all the joys of human flesh.  However, at the same time I am jealous in a way of the ones who die because they get to go back to Heaven and avoid the sadness and evil of this earth.  I like to believe that Earth is a good place, but realistically there is evil in this Earth and I believe there is none in Heaven.  Where would you rather be?  I choose Heaven, but not yet, not until I am old.  There are so many children who never get to grow old and I pray for them and their families often.  

Life with cancer is not fun. I can tell you first hand living with it is not Heaven. But, cancer has let me see a little piece of Heaven and that is what I am grateful for this year for my birthday.  Having a stroke and cancer and having the fear of death made very present to me was a gift only others with near death experiences can understand but I hope to share it with you. Having a stroke and being diagnosed with cancer gave me a piece of Heaven on earth that I will cherish until I get to Heaven.  To me, Heaven on Earth is waking up alive, not necessarily feeling well but alive with a pumping heart, and seeing the love in my sons eyes, seeing the quirky smile on my husbands face, seeing my dog get excited to see me every time I come back into the room, seeing the sun rise, seeing the wind blow the trees so effortlessly, and so much more my list could go on.   I am so grateful to be alive this year for my birthday because less than 12 months ago I thought I was leaving this Earth for good and would not get to celebrate any more birthdays on this Earth.  Today really is my one and only 29th birthday  since I am looking forward to turning 30, 40, 50 even 100 because that means God trusts me enough to get old and do something in this world.