Is this really my life?

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Well today, like every day was another blessed day because I woke up and I am here.  I had the chance to go to lunch with a fellow cancer survivor who is on her third battle with Lymphoma.  Please say a prayer for my new friend Penny that she remains strong through this clinical trial that is keeping her well.  She is a true fighting soul like me and I she has been dealing with cancers grip since 2010.  Penny and I met because I wanted to find out about her experience with an autologous stem cell transplant [ASCT].  She had one at Fred Hutch which is where I will be going for the transplant.  I was so inspired to hear about how it went for her.  She was honest with me and that is all I ever ask from people.  I know it will not be a fun experience but meeting and hugging someone that had one gave me comfort that it will all be ok.  I left my lunch date feeling with continued confidence about the ASCT. However, my confidence was shattered when I actually began reading the booklet I was sent about transplants.  I just sat and cried.  When did this become my life?  When did trying to  understand a stem cell transplant become "normal"?  I haven't cried about my cancer in at least a week and this was a bigger cry than I cried in months.  I am scared.  I am grateful for my husband who just lets me cry, but it is hard since this should not be my life.  I should not have to cry about cancer and cry about getting healthy. I am 29, I should just be healthy!  I want to be done with cancer.  I thought I was prepared for the ASCT since we have been talking about it since April and it is the one treatment that should put me into remission.  However, the reality of knowing I will meet the doctor who will preform the procedure tomorrow brought on a flood of emotions.  I don't like having mixed emotions.  I am a simple girl.  I want to be happy or sad. Not both.  I am happy to have insurance and the opportunity to get "well" from my cancer through the ASCT.  Yet I am sad that this is my reality.  Most people my age are having kids or starting careers.  That was supposed to be me.  Instead I am trying to just stay alive.  It is a blessing and a curse.  Cancer makes death real.  It is like when I walk I know that the little black cloud is following me.  We all have that black cloud because inevitably we will all die, but before I was diagnosed with cancer I was oblivious to the black cloud.  Everywhere I go, that cloud is now there, shouting at me and making his presence known.
   I feel that I have been given this second chance at life surviving a stroke and beating cancer once. I am too stubborn to let cancer kill me, though all the crap that goes with cancer might kill me or at least drive me crazy.  The embarrassment that comes with forgetting stuff all the time; the sadness when I have to tell my son "no mommy cant play with you I am too tired or I don't feel well"; the body aches that come from nowhere; the night sweats that make me question if I peed myself; the having to wait for MRI results to find out if I am getting "better" and if the tumor is shrinking when I have no patience to begin with; the look of fear in others' eyes when I tell them I have cancer; the calming others down when I tell them I have cancer; and so many other things my list could go on for days.  I was still considered "normal," I use that term loosely since my family says I have never been normal,  a year ago.  My stroke was 7/11 so I was "healthy" and everything less than 365 days ago.  I live in awe some times, in disbelief that this is my life.  I just don't understand.  I know I will never understand and honestly I get that, but with my control issues it doesn't stop me from wanting to understand.  I am a questioner.  I love to know why things happen.  Cancer is one thing I will never know why it happened to me and that sucks!  I don't want cancer to be part of my life, yet here it is.  Sure I wake up feeling fine and some days,  I feel better than I did 365 days ago.  I feel "healthy" and wonder is this really my life?  How can I feel healthy?  I have cancer.  I should not feel well, but I do.

I guess this really is my life.  I am grateful for it, but I don't understand it.  Guess that is why I am human.  My life really has changed the past year.  Have you had any change this past year that make you wonder, is this really my life?

A gun rant today

Saw this on facebook and made me flustered today. Isn't it sad that this is true?  Makes my stomach churn and makes me worry about Brayden starting kindergarten.  I am happy that I don't have to explain gay marriage to him, ever, because that is not something I care about.  Not that I dont' care about gay people, it is just that getting married, gay or straight, is other people's business, so not something I feel I need to explain to a 5 year old.  Later in life, if my son is gay, so be it, then we can have that conversation and I will love him anyway. School shootings though that is totally controllable, parents need to lock up their guns and teach their children the proper use of guns and emotions.  Guns are for hunting animals, not humans when you are mad or angry!  My personal belief is we do need some better gun control, I think it is weird that in some places we have lived I can go in and buy a hand gun and leave same day, but a rifle they need to do a background check.  A gun is a gun, they should be for hunting animals and protection. That is why we have the right to bear arms in this country.  However,  the world is a changing people. Mental health issues are on the rise, even among the youngest of people, our children.  Mental health needs to be addressed.  Kids are not being taught emotional regulation and they seem to think that to solve their problems with other kids they should kill or harm that person..  Isn't that sad?  Our kids live in a place where they would rather hurt another person than talk to that person and work out their issues?   I am not saying this applies to all kids or that it applies to only kids.  "Adults," I use this term loosely because a mentally stable adult wouldnt shoot another for "fun," are just as freaking crazy.  Poor mental health and guns just are not a good combination because impulse control and emotional regulation is not working properly in a person with a mental illness.   Don't get me wrong, I do not think we should lock up people with mental health issues either.  I have mental health issues and I know it.  I am comfortable talking about them and taking medication because I know the consequences of me not taking medication or talking, this includes poor impulse control.  For me, poor impulse control does not mean I would shoot up a school, but maybe I would shoot up myself; I like to believe I would not kill myself and I would probably go shopping and spend too much money, but suicide has crossed my mind.  In my healthy state of mind, I am not a fan of suicide, I believe it is a selfish way out of a problem.  It is a permanent fix to a temporary problem.  I know this, but suicidal thoughts still cross my mind when my emotional regulation is out of whack.  When these thoughts cross my mind, I know I need to reach out of my comfort zone and ask for help.  I know this for me, but sadly working in mental health, I know many others are not comfortable reaching out of their comfort zone, hence when shootings, suicide and homicide, occur.  Sure, accidents happen with guns. but as a proud gun owner I know that can be a consequence of owning guns.  This is why my guns are locked up, away from my 5 year old.  My son will not know the code to our safe until he is grown.  Sure he might use a gun and go hunting with his father, but the guns will be locked up when not hunting, that is what some might call being "over protective" but I like to believe it is safe parenting.  I don't want my son hurting himself and I don't want him, or I, to have to live with the guilt if he made a poor decision to harm another human with a gun.

This was a long rant for a short twitter post, I know, but it just seems this topic of gay marriage and school shootings should never have to be in the same post!  Please share how you feel in the comments below. I am not trying to start a debate, I am just curious in others opinions.  I am not swaying in my beliefs, but I might if I had all the facts :)

XOXO