personality type and cancer

I am definitely, definitely type A personality, or type Awesome personality.  All these things are so me...and I am so glad I am me to fight cancer.  Cancer requires a lot of listening and paying attention to detail.  If you get cancer read this article first article daily to remind you that active listening and attention to detail are important, but nothing has to be done immediately.  Time is your ally, unless you have to poop, then go to the bathroom.  So when you live life after cancer become a type B personality so you can keep cancer gone.  Read the second article after you beat cancer to learn why you should not be a type A personality if you don't want to get cancer back.  I would bet type B personalities have less cancer than type A personalities.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/samstryker/type-a-more-like-type-awesome?s=mobile

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4575678

I am happy DADT is repealed

I pray for a world with greater acceptance of others.  We have national anti discrimination laws which I believe cause more discrimination.  However this post is not about all discrimination it is about the repeal of don't ask don't tell (dadt).  As a service member and spouse of a service member I want to speak up and say I am grateful that Dadt is repealed.  I feel everyone is speaking up against it, but I think if there are people out there who support its repeal like me because people are generally caring humans but humans fear being different and don't want to go against the grain.  The military is all about the grain so no one will speak up.  It is not against ucmj to say "I am ok with the repeal of dadt" because fact is, it is repealed.  I don't know if I am the first to say this but yes, I am ok with working with homosexual people at work because at the end of the day we are all just people.  I pray that the acceptance of all in the military, including homesexuals, will lead to acceptance of woman as well, thus reducing the disgusting amount of closet sexual abuse and racism that occurs. Sexual abuse and racism are happening but no one speaks out.  I am speaking out!! 

God Bless America.  America stop being selfish and jealous of others. 

"For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work".
James 3:16

Honesty should be praised

I want to clarify that I do not believe I am actually a Cass-Hole, but I do believe I am honest.  I thought it was an insult to be called a cass-hole as a high schooler, but now I know that it was the bomb nickname that fits me the best.  In this life only honesty will get you anything or any where in life.

Sun vs Moon

I have grown up believing I am the sun.  I am happy.  I am joy.  I am light. Cancer taught me I am not the sun. Cancer made me believe I am the moon.  I am darknes, I am only available sometimes, I have deep holes that need to be filled. 

This realization was hard for me.  I became very depressed and isolated.  I began questioning my life.  Why was I married? Should I drive my car off the side of the road into the icy waters of Juneau?  Should I have had Brayden?  Should I have more children?  Why did my father abandon me as a child?  Why was I raped?  Why do I have cancer?  I covered up my feelings of "the moon" through keeping myself busy.

I was keeping busy  through busy work, through say a garage sale that I made $900 at.   My "depression"as masked as mania.   I work in mental health, i have classic signs of depression, but I was not diagnosesd with depression so I didnt know i was depressed.  guess that is why they say not to diagnosis yourself because I was depressed and was unable to diagnose myself truthfully because i was still coping with hiding the fact i was raped.  I accepted the diagnosis I was given on steroid induced psychosis as a one time thing.  I don't have mental health issues.  I help people with mental health issues.  I was grateful I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia, that was permanent.  I loved only having a temporary psychosis, I  was not going to let go of my belief that I am the sun.  I am the sun.

However instead of focusing on cancer I focused my mental health issues.  Now that I was mentally "healthy" because I was off steroids I seemed "normal" to my family.  Life went on and I dealt with cancer.  I never threw up during treatment, Brandon did. I didnt lose weight during treayment, i gained weight, brandon did too.  I think he had cancer sympathy pains instead of pregnancy sympathy pains :).  The staff in the hospital   was very impressed because i never had the physical side effects of cancer. Cancer was gone.  Cancer to me was not permanent. Back to my positive attitude of the sun.

However my cancer came back harder in less than 3 whole months. I was not healthy. Back to the moon I went.  However, now I  know cancer is not permant, it left once it ,can leave again. I am thw sun, but i began having moon, deppressive thoughts.   I began believing something other than cancer is wrong with me.  I recently made an unrestricted report of my rape.  Since then my life has cleared up, and my tumor has shrunk.  I still have cancer but I have learned that like cancer, rape is not my fault.  I am not responsible for others behaviors.  I have tried so hard to please others, being the sun, that I repressed my moon.  Accepting I have PTSD and that is permanent has helped me accept that it is ok to be the moon.  I don't have to be the moon all the time, I can still be the sun but the moon and sun need each other to balance.  Too much of one would be a bad thing.  

Love to all

Things I am not supposed to do when I have cancer

I need to start a huge list of all the things I have heard from doctors, know it all strangers, and reading about cancer, but I will start with just this one thing today.  "Dont get a pedicure."  I read articles that the "toxicity" of the nail salon can make me sick.  Now that I have cancer, and am a born again cass-hole,  I think, no the toxicity of the salon may give me cancer, I already have that so I can get as many as I want now.  Watch out Brandons check book.  Yes my husband still uses a check book and postage stamps ;)

Cancer has nothing on me

Yes I am a Christian, a mother, and an educated individual.  However I have the mouth of a sailor, which I will blame the coast guard for.  So cancer really did mess with the wrong Cass-hole.

Survivors guilt while in treatment

I met a new friend on facebook this week, William, in a non Hodgkins support group.  The topic was survivors guilt. Well, I began to realize I was suffering from survivors guilt and I am not even done with treatment.  What is wrong with me??   William has had multiple deadly disease diagnosis  including Aids and now cancer, yet, he continues to survive.  He said "At a point it becomes amusing, never bragging because it's too humbling. But I know I have a mission not only as a patient but also as a doctor to teach survival and live gracefully in light of many profound obstacles and against much probability. If you don't smell flowers or candles in the morning , get going . Have someone to love, something you love doing, and have something to look forward to. Like the story of Job , Don't give up ! Don't give up ! Don't give up!"

William helped me realize life is all about perspective.  I dont have survivors guilt, I simply have life experience in something more painful than cancer.  I was already a survivor coming into cancer and now I am a stronger survivor, who is currently fighting at battle that cancer will lose.  I don't William have survivors guilt, I have knowledge that I can be fine after a very bad thing, or trauma.  William has had trauma and though my traumas before cancer were not of diseases, my biggest fear was being raped.  That has already happened to me.  Therefore, cancer is my "untrauma" as I will think of it.   Cancer feels almost easy compared to being violated by another human.  Atleast cancer is controllable because I can take medication.  Being inappropriately touched by another person is not controlable.  I would rather deal with something I can control than with something I cant.  

People have thought I have been in denial about cancer.  No I have not.  I simply believe cancer is like a bad flu.  If you have never had a bad flu, it is scary and miserable.  However if you have had a bad flu when you get the regular flu it feels like nothing.  Cancer feels like nothing to me because I have already dealt with something worse than cancer, to me that something worse was rape.  That something worse than cancer is different for everyone.  I am betting for my friend William it was being diagnosed with AIDS.

Now off to bed, hoping to find out if I need one more chemotherapy before I begin the process for stem cell transfusion.

Please feel free to ask questions on my blog.  I have so much to share about cancer and I dont even know where to start!!!!

 

First Rant

I am new to this whole blogging thing but I am going to give it a shot.  Today I snapped on facebook, I went on a rant about judging others because I felt I was being judged as a parent for having cancer.  I thought I could handle being judged for cancer, but I found out today I can't handle being judged for cancer when my parenting is questioned.  My child is my most prized possession.  Sure children should not be called possessions, or things, they are humans, but they are fragile and need to be molded, like material goods, in their youth to become contributing members of society.  As a young adult/mother going through cancer I have learned a great coping mechanism of not caring about being judged becsuse after having a stroke at 28 years old I realized "I aint got time for that" judgment stuff, life is too short.  However when my parenting is judged, oh no, a cass-hole comes out.  Cancer made me realize my children will be my most valuable possession once I am gone and I need to take good care of them.  It is one thing to judge me and my child, because your negative judgment will be returned one day, but when my child thst negative judgment will be returned in a timely manner.

The question posed before me by multiple parties was basically why would you teach your son to get likes on facebook for positive thoughts?  Really people, how do you not see that likes for me to believe there is good in this world for my son is so not the same as likes for a new car.  I guess I should be more concered with teachimg my son how to deal with not smart people in this world than teaching him character and morals!   However by the picture belowof him needing a helmet for breakfast, he might be more like his father, one of those not smart folk, and I wont need to teach him anything!