I have been getting excited because my hair is getting to a length I like. I am starting to feel like a girl again. I actually used my blower dryer for the first time in a year this past week. It was a great feeling. However, my good feelings were shot down when I found out this week that I will most likely lose my hair again when I go through the stem cell transplant. That makes me sad. I know, I know, it is just hair. I get that. Honestly, I would rather have my heath than my hair. It just sucks. Losing my hair is a sign that I am really sick. It is a physically reminder of what is going on inside my body. I don't like being reminded I am sick.
I got rid of some of my wigs and caps since I was told I was healthy. I went into remission and did my good deed and sent wigs and caps to people that can use them who are going through chemo. Guess that is what I get for being nice. Now, I am that sick person again who needs wigs and caps to protect my bald head.
I am grateful my husband loves my bald head, he says he loves that he can spoon me and my hair does not attack him, lol. Man I love that guy. I wish the rest of society was so accepting of bald women. I admit, I like wearing wigs because it is fun to play with my personality, but they are itchy and uncomfortable, I don't like wearing them all the time. Yet, I wear wigs in public most of the time because I hate the looks I get from strangers when they see my bald/ very short hair. Maybe I am being paranoid, but people give me what I call "sad eyes" when they look at me. That is where they look at me with pitty and sorrow. I don't need anyone's pitty or sorrow. I believe my life if good. Sure I have cancer but I am not sad. This is my life and I know I will be fine, however when I get pitty eyes it makes me doubt. I don't want to doubt my life so I wear wigs so I look "healthy." I feel like I have to pretend to be healthy to feel healthy, and that isn't a horrible thing. Know that saying "fake it till you make it," well that is what I do with wigs. I am faking that I am healthy until I am healthy. I know in therapy I tell people to be honest and be their true self and in the past I would have probably discouraged the "fake it till you make it" mentality, now I would support it 100%/ For me I am not currently healthy, but I will be. My true self is healthy, and that is who I want to be. So I will fake being healthy until I am healthy. If that means wearing an awful wig, then so be it. Remember, it is just hair. ;)
Have you ever faked something until you made it?
