Chemo can take my hair, but it won't take the fun out of my life!
Well the time came to shave my head. Technically, I guess I could have waited another day or two, but the amount of hair falling out of my head was crazy. The first time I had cancer I did not have the whole hair loss thing. I had brain surgery, my head was shaved. period. Looking into the palm of my hand and seeing clumps of hair is the strangest sensation. It doesn't hurt or feel like anything. It is one of those experiences you have to have to understand, but boy is it weird. My hair is still falling out, it kind of looks like little eye brow hairs now instead of long hair so it makes it easier to clean up. Here are some pictures of the head shaving process. I think my husband had lots of fun shaving my head. He loved the "Mylie" since I think he kind of wishes I was more like Mylie Cyrus.
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| The Mylie |
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I thought I was punk, but the hubby informed me
I am giving "I love you" sign. |
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A picture for my son since he wanted my hair
to fall out in a mohawk. |
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| The final product. |
I think the hardest part of losing my hair is the realization that cancer is back and I am not healthy. At least with hair I look "normal". With hair, when I look in the mirror I don't see a sick woman; I see a happy healthy woman. Something about having hair means "health" to me; guess I am a product of American culture. Though I haven't seen the "me" I am used to seeing with blonde hair since cancer came knocking the first time last year, I had begun seeing the person I knew as "Me" a little more each day as my hair grew.
Being bald again is an external reminder of what is going on inside me. It reminds me that I am sick and I am different from most people I know. All I have wanted is to fit in. To be like everyone else. Having a bald head is a reminder that I am not like everyone else; that is hard. However, having a bald head has taught me that people love me for me. It is not my hair or my looks that makes people be my friend. Is not my hair that makes my husband love me. The "me" I have been looking for, the woman with hair, is not important to those who love me. The "me" who others see, be it a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend, or a girl with a smile, is more than a woman with or without hair. There is more to me than how I look. I am a good person and I guess others saw that before I did and that makes me feel so happy. Strangers may look at me funny for not having hair but when I smile and speak to them, the funny look seems to fade and they too see a person who is more than just hair. Funny how that happens. Looking different than everyone else has made me see more good in the world than I thought existed. Though there are still comments and stares, there is more kindness than rudeness. That is such a beautiful thing to see in the world.
I have said it before and I will say it again. Cancer changed me. I am happy to no longer be that self centered, control freak, constantly planning for tomorrow, with an overly full calendar. I believe living on the go all the time was killing me, literally. I had to have a stroke to slow down. I am 29, there are very few my age that can say they have lived through that. I believe having a stroke has been a blessing. It has taught me to have fun and love every moment of life. We truly do not know what moment will be our last and we should live every day without regrets. I choose to have fun while losing my hair. I choose to have fun while living my life. Cancer has changed me and I choose to only let it change me for the better.
Do you choose to let cancer change you for the better?
XOXOXO
