Am I Supposed to be a Cass-Hole?

Have you ever thought, who am I supposed to be?  Or,what am I supposed to do with my life?  I have.  I feel like I have wondered these things on and off my whole (short) life, but the questions seem to bounce around more since I have had cancer.  I know it is with love and kindness that people ask me "So, what are you going to do now that you don't have cancer?" or "When are you going back to work?", but I usually respond with "I don't know."    I really don't know, that is a hard answer for me to say since I thought I knew what I wanted for life before cancer. On top of wondering who I am, cancer has brought forth all fears for me such as when will I die? Or, how am I supposed to become the person I am "supposed" to be?

Well, you know what, the spirit of Christ has taught me, who cares?  On this earth it is not my business to know when I will die.  It is not my business to determine who I am supposed to be.  Those things have already been determined for me.  I just need to follow the little GPS in my soul to get to where I am supposed to be.  My body, my soul, and my spirit are on this earth for a reason.  Every breath I take is for a reason.  Every person I talk to is for a reason.  I even got cancer for a reason.  Cancer has brought me to Christ and has fulfilled my life in ways like never before.  It is amazing that I can now find comfort in the unknown.   I look back to my pre-cancer life and can say I was happy and enjoyed life, but  there was something missing.  Cancer helped me find it.  I have been a control freak, but daily I am working on giving that up to just be a putty in God's hand.  Letting Him form me and change me into who He wants to to be; who He knows I am supposed to be.
 
Pastor Gore, the wonderful Pastor at Orting Community Baptist Church, has been preaching and discussing who we are and why we here this last week.  His lessons have really been touching my heart since I have been wondering about me, about all of us, and what is our purpose.  He brought me to Jeremiah 29:11, which says:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

To me, these words mean God will take care of me, be it here on Earth or in Heaven.  He wants me to prosper and not be sick and He will determine where I need to be for my future.  God wants me, all of us, to follow our soul.  We are all born with a soul, this includes our intellect, emotions, and will.  In my soul I know I am a Cass-Hole.  I was born a smart, passionate, and stubborn child and I have matured into a smart, passionate, and stubborn Cass-Hole.  I believe the Cass-Hole in my soul gives me courage to express myself and be lovingly honest with the world around me.  My Cass-Hole soul has helped me fight and be courageous when odds were against my favor.

I am supposed to be a Cass-Hole.  A person to change the world.  I don't know the changes I am suppose to make, but I have faith there is something.  I am here for a reason.  I am me for a reason.  You are you for a reason.  We are all here to get things done.

That's what "He" said

Please check out Julie's blog http://lessthanperfectlifeofbliss.blogspot.com/ for great reading.  I just loved her post today about asking he dad, he knows.  I don't doubt her father knows.  He is one of the most amazing men I know and I am so grateful that he was the one that sent the foundation for my marriage by officiating my wedding.  My rant today is a good one.  It is how a relationship with a father is like a relationship with God.  Many know but many don't know that I grew up without a father in my life.  Julie's post made me realize that not having a human father present was okay because when I had questions about life and why things were happening to me, things that were not supposed to happen to kids or humans in general, He, God, knew.  He knew that all these "bad" things would make me stronger.  He knew I would be fine when I didn't.  I didn't know Him, but he knew one day I would come around, He was patient.  He has given me so many chances to know Him, and me in my selfish ways would say hello to Him and go on my merry way.  It took me getting cancer to realize He knows and He knew. I know nothing in comparison to Him, well Him and my mom.  My mom knows everything too, but I know even she doesn't know as much as Him :)   I am a very stubborn woman, God knows this.  I can't help it, I was born that way.  I definitely know that is a trait I get from my mom.  I am getting to '"know" my biological father and it took me getting cancer to forgive him for not being around.  I have always believed a child NEEDED mother and a father to turn out "normal," but that the mother was the most important person in the child rearing relationship; I turned out fine with just a mom, I think I am pretty "normal."  Now fast forward in my life, I married someone from a home with a mother and a father and, well, he is not very "normal,"  but he is a great father.  Cancer has taught me that a mother and father both have important roles in a childs life; they both need to show the child love.  Cancer has made me realize that if I were gone, Brandon could take on the role of mother and father.  Though I would never want him to, that is why we are married, cancer has taught me can.  He, Brandon, knows more than I have given him credit for.  If you asked me a year ago what Brandon knows I would have said "how to be a smart ass."  Now if you ask me what Brandon knows, I know he knows God and by knowing God, he, Brandon knows all he needs too.  They say as people are age together they turn into each other, I can't believe I am saying it, but I am grateful that I know I am turning into Brandon.    


Thanks Julie for inspiring my post today :)