My 1st Re-Birthday!!

9-12-14 Stem Cell Transplant Day

Life has gotten busy since I have gotten healthier, not sure if that is a blessing or curse, so I haven't written in a while but....today is a day of celebration. Today is my re-birthday!!!   A year ago today I was in the hospital, much like a baby, bald and scared.  My body was weak from the chemo; I had a crazy stomach infection , I was terribly jaundice, and I suffered a pulmonary embolism which caused me more pain than child birth!  However, my spirit was strong and helped me get through the physically misery.  I knew that these were the things I needed to endure to get my health back.  Was it fun? No.  Would I do it again?  Yes.  

For those of you who have had a stem cell transplant, you know what a big deal today is.  For those you who have not, well let me tell you, it is a HUGE deal!  Today is like my body is turning 1 again. The stem cell transplant completely destroys the immune system, causing the body to be in an infancy like immune state. The stem cells allowed my body to be completely re-booted.  Think of the stem cell transplant process like a computer.  I had a virus (cancer) and the doctors gave me REALLY strong chemo (called fatal chemo) to destroy the virus, but they did't want to lose everything on the computer (my body) so they had to give me stem cells to keep everything functioning and lose any data.   Statistics show that once a person successfully makes it one year, defined by lack of health issues and blood counts returning to stable levels,  after a stem cell transplant, their chances of illness related to transplant is almost obsolete.  The first year after transplant makes you the most vulnerable and susceptible to death because you do not have a strong or healthy immune system.  

I am so grateful for advancements in science because I am walking proof of science working.  I thank God everyday he has provided me the things, the people, the resources I needed in this world to get well.  Not a day goes by that I do not think about how lucky I am to be alive.  I had an appointment with my oncologist a few weeks ago and he confirmed, what I already felt, which is that I have no evidence of cancer and that I am doing well.  He said based on my lab work and physical assessment, I appear to be like an average 30 year old.  If one didn't know I had had a stroke, brain surgery, cancer, chemo, etc there wouldn't be proof in my body except for the bald spot on my head and the port scar on my chest.  One line my oncologist said that I will never forget is "Cassie, you are perfect."  I was not going to argue that since I know it, but it was nice getting a professional to agree :).   

Cancer has had a role in the lives of me and my family, but it is not the lead character of our lives.  On this re-birthday I celebrate health, not just for me, but my brother in law who was in the hospital at the same time as me last year fighting cancer himself.  Our lives are forever changed, but our lives are not defined by cancer.   Here is to hoping my health remains "normal" and that I get to celebrate many, many more re birthdays in the future.

    

                    

Happy 30th to Me

Well I made it to 30.  Thank you God! 

The last two years have been anything but normal.  I have had ups and downs, in and outs, and everything in between.   Cancer kicked my butt, and then I kicked Cancers butt right back. 

I thought when I turned 30 wealth was the marker of happiness and success.  Turns out health is the real marker of happiness and success.  I have been through a stroke, brain surgery, chemo, stem cell transplant,  and countless emotions to get my health.  I have learned it is harder to get health than wealth.  I realize I will take health over wealth any day.  I would rather live in a box under a bridge as a happy, healthy person than be sick and depressed in mansion.

  I have had cancer, but at 30 I am healthier now than ever.  I am no size 2 but my mind and soul are happy.  My bank account is not overflowing but my mind and soul are healthy.  I feel good about the honest "Cass-hole" that I am.   I feel cancer has given me a wisdom far beyond my years and given more patience than I could imagine. 

There is nothing I would change about my last 30 years and cheers to 30 more amazing years of living a happy, healthy life.

Age

                  When I was younger, I always wanted to be older.  I lied and said I was older then I was.  Anybody else do this?  I had been told, "When you get older you will lie and say you are younger."  I thought naw, I want to be old, when you are older people respect you more and you are so smart.  I want to experience old age and say things like "when I was younger."  I want to retire; relax, travel the world, and maybe even volunteer.  

Well I am just a couple months from 30 years old and as of this week, I get to say "I am retired."   The coast guard is medically retiring me because of my health.  It sure feels strange since I think I am so young, I have a whole world ahead of me.  I did not fathom being "old" at 30.  I guess karma is coming back to me for always lying about my age.  Chronologically I am not old, but my by body and soul, well they are pretty old.  I have already had a stroke and cancer.  The cancer I had is primarily seen in 75 year old men.  I am so much younger than the average patient my oncologist sees, he jokingly calls me his "pediatric patient."  I have already had to come face to face with death and my own mortality.  These are not things "young" people deal with.  These are things "old people" deal with.

All this retiring and thinking about the future has had me thinking.  What is age?  I use to think it was so important, there were things attributed to certain numbers.  I had to be 12 ride in the front seat of a car, 18 to move out of the house, 21 to drink alcohol, and 65 to retire.  I thought with age came wisdom and respect.  Boy was my idea of age wrong.  I have learned wisdom and respect come from one's experiences and interaction with the world.  I have met some 18 year olds I can say I respect more than some 40 year olds.  Age may make others judge a person by how they look externally, but it is how one speaks and acts which determines the true value of their character.  Age does not just automatically give a person grace and humility.  Those are things people have to work on daily.  What a perk, as you age you have more time to work on those things, but that doesn't mean every one does work on those those things.
     
A friend posted an article this week about 20 things to do in your 30's to make your 50's better.  This was a good read.  It is great to be in the present and not focus to much of the future, but at the same time we are naive to think we can stop time and not think about the future.  With the future comes age and time we can not take back.  I do not want to have any regrets on decisions and friendships and boy do I not want to take for granted my health.  Even though to most retired people I am young, I have been through enough to realize time is not something to waste.  Tomorrow, your whole world can change,  Don't let your "young" age or your "old" age be a factor in your life.  Age is just a number, who you are and how you live your life are much more important than some number.   

I believe I am so lucky.  With retiring, even if just temporarily, I get a new lean on life.  People often say "when I retire I am going to do this and I am going to do that."  Well I am getting to do all my this and that's at an earlier age. I don't want to waste the limited time I have on this Earth.  

Is there anything you have been not doing because you are "too young" or "too old"?  Well take a moment and reconsider that age is just a number.  You are not too old or young for anything.  You can do anything you believe you can do!

Am I Supposed to be a Cass-Hole?

Have you ever thought, who am I supposed to be?  Or,what am I supposed to do with my life?  I have.  I feel like I have wondered these things on and off my whole (short) life, but the questions seem to bounce around more since I have had cancer.  I know it is with love and kindness that people ask me "So, what are you going to do now that you don't have cancer?" or "When are you going back to work?", but I usually respond with "I don't know."    I really don't know, that is a hard answer for me to say since I thought I knew what I wanted for life before cancer. On top of wondering who I am, cancer has brought forth all fears for me such as when will I die? Or, how am I supposed to become the person I am "supposed" to be?

Well, you know what, the spirit of Christ has taught me, who cares?  On this earth it is not my business to know when I will die.  It is not my business to determine who I am supposed to be.  Those things have already been determined for me.  I just need to follow the little GPS in my soul to get to where I am supposed to be.  My body, my soul, and my spirit are on this earth for a reason.  Every breath I take is for a reason.  Every person I talk to is for a reason.  I even got cancer for a reason.  Cancer has brought me to Christ and has fulfilled my life in ways like never before.  It is amazing that I can now find comfort in the unknown.   I look back to my pre-cancer life and can say I was happy and enjoyed life, but  there was something missing.  Cancer helped me find it.  I have been a control freak, but daily I am working on giving that up to just be a putty in God's hand.  Letting Him form me and change me into who He wants to to be; who He knows I am supposed to be.
 
Pastor Gore, the wonderful Pastor at Orting Community Baptist Church, has been preaching and discussing who we are and why we here this last week.  His lessons have really been touching my heart since I have been wondering about me, about all of us, and what is our purpose.  He brought me to Jeremiah 29:11, which says:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future

To me, these words mean God will take care of me, be it here on Earth or in Heaven.  He wants me to prosper and not be sick and He will determine where I need to be for my future.  God wants me, all of us, to follow our soul.  We are all born with a soul, this includes our intellect, emotions, and will.  In my soul I know I am a Cass-Hole.  I was born a smart, passionate, and stubborn child and I have matured into a smart, passionate, and stubborn Cass-Hole.  I believe the Cass-Hole in my soul gives me courage to express myself and be lovingly honest with the world around me.  My Cass-Hole soul has helped me fight and be courageous when odds were against my favor.

I am supposed to be a Cass-Hole.  A person to change the world.  I don't know the changes I am suppose to make, but I have faith there is something.  I am here for a reason.  I am me for a reason.  You are you for a reason.  We are all here to get things done.

World Cancer Day

                             

Happy World cancer day to all.  How sad is it that a day has been created for such an awful disease because it has effected so many lives?  I am glad someone thought of creating a day to celebrate cancer, since most with cancer or who have been effected by Cancer never want to celebrate the disease. 

I am grateful to have another cancer day on this earth, without cancer. Though I wish I was not so familiar with cancer that I knew that there is such a thing as world cancer day.  Some times I just wish I was back in my own naive world of knowing little to nothing about cancer.

I am now so familiar with cancer that I can't seem to just feel normal.  Anytime anything is a little off in my life I worry,  "oh no, is cancer back?"  For example yesterday I had some tingling in my toes.  Usually I would say it is because I started working out again, but there is still part of me that questions my simple rational.   Or a couple weeks ago, I missed the cupboard door by a long shot when I went to shut it.  At first I thought, oh I am just so clumsy, then I remembered how clumsy I was before my stroke and worried about cancer again. 

My cancer is a tricky little bugger in my head (literally and figuratively) because I have always been clumsy,  but now my clumsy is a sign of concern.   That sucks.  Sure, words cannot express how happy I am cancer is gone,  but the fear of the "if it comes back" haunts me.

 

World cancer day is a day to celebrate life that cancer has changed and remember those whom cancer has taken too soon.   I pray that cancer can be extinguished,  but until then I pray that all those who are touched by cancer can remember that life is short to allow cancer to control us.

 I heard the bible verse Matthew 6:34 today that says: "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof."  No matter what ones religious take is, we all should remember that no one is guaranteed tomorrow, with or without cancer, so why think and worry about tomorrow?  

 

I have made an effort to stop being such a worry wart and I want you all to do the same!

Happy world cancer day today...and here's to a happy every day!

XOXOXO