Learning to Love Life Again

Life is not perfect and that is okay.  It is the details of our lives that make us human and special.

I am back in the hospital for chemo.  I am doing well, or as well as one can do while getting chemo and stuck in the hospital. I find joy in talking with my nurses.  Those that know me know I am very talkative person, but being in the hospital the other patients seem to keep to themselves and I have no one to talk to.  Sure I have Brandon here with me most of the time which I am so blessed, however it is fun for me to talk to others with cancer about their experiences.  I tend to be the youngest person in the hospital every time I am inpatient and that is getting old.    The hospital does help me feel physically better, but mentally it is very isolating.

I am so eager to get well and keep myself out of the hospital.  I want to share my experience with cancer with the world.  I believe that there is so much to cancer that is ignored.  I think that when we go to the doctor and learn we have cancer the focus is on the biological or physical changes we will go through.  Don't get me wrong, I think we need to be prepared with all the facts, but I think the facts that the mental changes we will go through should be addressed as well.  We are human and it is my belief that we are made up of mind, body, and soul.  Since we are made up of three parts, it saddens me that we primarily focus on the body.  I think cancer care should focus on all three.  I read a statistic that some 80% of people diagnosed with cancer experience depression.  I am sure that there are various levels of depression but the fact is depression is out there.  Our bodies are thrust into a change with cancer and by default so do our minds and souls.  I believe cancer patients need more access to emotional support through their cancer experience.  I have found so much more joy in my life since I have been working with a psychiatrist and social worker.  I have always thought I am strong woman and I can take on the world.  Cancer has burst that bubble wide open for me.  I have learned I do have limits and that I don't need to take on the world because I live in my own perfect world, it just took me getting cancer to realize how awesome my world is.   Everyday I can choose be focus on the bad in my life or the good.  I have realized that the more good I focus on the better I feel.  What a blessing is that!  I am learning to love life again.  However I do not believe all cancer patients are taught the simple fact that we are how we feel.  I believe there needs to be more focus on the changes that occur in the WHOLE body and that includes the mind.

Any of you agree that there needs to be changes in the way cancer and mental health issues are addressed?

Sun vs Moon

I have grown up believing I am the sun.  I am happy.  I am joy.  I am light. Cancer taught me I am not the sun. Cancer made me believe I am the moon.  I am darknes, I am only available sometimes, I have deep holes that need to be filled. 

This realization was hard for me.  I became very depressed and isolated.  I began questioning my life.  Why was I married? Should I drive my car off the side of the road into the icy waters of Juneau?  Should I have had Brayden?  Should I have more children?  Why did my father abandon me as a child?  Why was I raped?  Why do I have cancer?  I covered up my feelings of "the moon" through keeping myself busy.

I was keeping busy  through busy work, through say a garage sale that I made $900 at.   My "depression"as masked as mania.   I work in mental health, i have classic signs of depression, but I was not diagnosesd with depression so I didnt know i was depressed.  guess that is why they say not to diagnosis yourself because I was depressed and was unable to diagnose myself truthfully because i was still coping with hiding the fact i was raped.  I accepted the diagnosis I was given on steroid induced psychosis as a one time thing.  I don't have mental health issues.  I help people with mental health issues.  I was grateful I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia, that was permanent.  I loved only having a temporary psychosis, I  was not going to let go of my belief that I am the sun.  I am the sun.

However instead of focusing on cancer I focused my mental health issues.  Now that I was mentally "healthy" because I was off steroids I seemed "normal" to my family.  Life went on and I dealt with cancer.  I never threw up during treatment, Brandon did. I didnt lose weight during treayment, i gained weight, brandon did too.  I think he had cancer sympathy pains instead of pregnancy sympathy pains :).  The staff in the hospital   was very impressed because i never had the physical side effects of cancer. Cancer was gone.  Cancer to me was not permanent. Back to my positive attitude of the sun.

However my cancer came back harder in less than 3 whole months. I was not healthy. Back to the moon I went.  However, now I  know cancer is not permant, it left once it ,can leave again. I am thw sun, but i began having moon, deppressive thoughts.   I began believing something other than cancer is wrong with me.  I recently made an unrestricted report of my rape.  Since then my life has cleared up, and my tumor has shrunk.  I still have cancer but I have learned that like cancer, rape is not my fault.  I am not responsible for others behaviors.  I have tried so hard to please others, being the sun, that I repressed my moon.  Accepting I have PTSD and that is permanent has helped me accept that it is ok to be the moon.  I don't have to be the moon all the time, I can still be the sun but the moon and sun need each other to balance.  Too much of one would be a bad thing.  

Love to all