Sun vs Moon

I have grown up believing I am the sun.  I am happy.  I am joy.  I am light. Cancer taught me I am not the sun. Cancer made me believe I am the moon.  I am darknes, I am only available sometimes, I have deep holes that need to be filled. 

This realization was hard for me.  I became very depressed and isolated.  I began questioning my life.  Why was I married? Should I drive my car off the side of the road into the icy waters of Juneau?  Should I have had Brayden?  Should I have more children?  Why did my father abandon me as a child?  Why was I raped?  Why do I have cancer?  I covered up my feelings of "the moon" through keeping myself busy.

I was keeping busy  through busy work, through say a garage sale that I made $900 at.   My "depression"as masked as mania.   I work in mental health, i have classic signs of depression, but I was not diagnosesd with depression so I didnt know i was depressed.  guess that is why they say not to diagnosis yourself because I was depressed and was unable to diagnose myself truthfully because i was still coping with hiding the fact i was raped.  I accepted the diagnosis I was given on steroid induced psychosis as a one time thing.  I don't have mental health issues.  I help people with mental health issues.  I was grateful I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia, that was permanent.  I loved only having a temporary psychosis, I  was not going to let go of my belief that I am the sun.  I am the sun.

However instead of focusing on cancer I focused my mental health issues.  Now that I was mentally "healthy" because I was off steroids I seemed "normal" to my family.  Life went on and I dealt with cancer.  I never threw up during treatment, Brandon did. I didnt lose weight during treayment, i gained weight, brandon did too.  I think he had cancer sympathy pains instead of pregnancy sympathy pains :).  The staff in the hospital   was very impressed because i never had the physical side effects of cancer. Cancer was gone.  Cancer to me was not permanent. Back to my positive attitude of the sun.

However my cancer came back harder in less than 3 whole months. I was not healthy. Back to the moon I went.  However, now I  know cancer is not permant, it left once it ,can leave again. I am thw sun, but i began having moon, deppressive thoughts.   I began believing something other than cancer is wrong with me.  I recently made an unrestricted report of my rape.  Since then my life has cleared up, and my tumor has shrunk.  I still have cancer but I have learned that like cancer, rape is not my fault.  I am not responsible for others behaviors.  I have tried so hard to please others, being the sun, that I repressed my moon.  Accepting I have PTSD and that is permanent has helped me accept that it is ok to be the moon.  I don't have to be the moon all the time, I can still be the sun but the moon and sun need each other to balance.  Too much of one would be a bad thing.  

Love to all