Cancer is hard on a marriage

I stumbled upon this article today and it was so touching.  I recommend reading it for any couple going through cancer, or any illness, or a couple who wants to prepare for some sort of live changing event.  Brandon and I have definitely had our marriage tested through my stroke and cancer diagnosis.  If it were not for our "friendly" competitive nature, I don't know that I would be alive.  I thank God he was right that I just had a stroke, I was scared of a heart attack.  If he would have thought I was having a heart attack that night I probably would have had one and died because my heart literally felt like it would pound out of my chest.  Brandon was exactly who I needed him to be, not who I wanted him to be. I wanted him to cry like me and be sad.  I could die, yet he never cried or showed emotion in front of me.  He treated me like nothing had changed, pretty much told me to go do the dishes ;).  My nurse at the hospital actually smacked him because he asked if I could go home to do dishes before I got on the plane to head to Seattle for brain surgery.  Those that know Brandon know I am not exaggerating :) However, this smart ass man was who I married and God knew I would need his smart ass-ness to complement my Cass-holeness in this life.  I was so angry with him for a while about his lack of emotion, I felt he didn't care.  However, he did care.  He cared so much that he took the pain for me the best he could.  He did exactly what we were told to do in our premarital counseling with Pastor Cross.  Early in our marriage we were told to be co-pilots in marriage, meaning that if one of us is down the other can take control and get us to our final destination of a happy life.  Be equals. However remember if life is going to throw a punch, one of us should duck the punch so that one of us is strong and can keep the flight going towards that final destination.  Cancer was the punch to our marriage, however I think it was a full blown attack on our marriage.  Cancer knocked me down, but not Brandon.  Brandon stayed strong even when I was angry and wanted him to be weak like me.  That old saying misery loves company seems all too clear now.  Cancer taught me that if I am knocked down, Brandon really could handle the flight that is our life, he could be the only pilot and we would arrive at our happy destination without my guidance.        

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/how-your-marriage-can-recover-from-a-serious-illness-or-injury.html?ps=0

Another cancer lesson

Laying in bed this morning, totally uncomfortable with Brayden on my stomach, it dawned on me, there is no place I would rather be than in bed with my family.  Cancer has helped me re-prioratize my life.  Before my stroke I had have lived everyday thinking about what comes next, never enjoying the present moment.  Now every moment is special.  Every thing I have I should be grateful for.  Life can literally change over night.  I am so blessed to be able to lay around with my son and enjoy the wonder that he is and enjoy my husband for the incredible father he is.

Chasing life

Who is looking forward to this show?  I am!!!!

Free Photo Shoot

If you are going through cancer or a survivor and would like a nice picture of you and your family check out this website. http://www.magichourfoundation.org/   They offer a free photo session for cancer fighter/survivors.  I just signed up, not sure if in my area but I am looking forward to this!

Strength

I once had someone in my life who said "life sucks and then you die." I believed he was just a bitter, angry person.  Now I kind of feel bad for him, I believe he had no one or nothing to live for, unlike me.

  I had a stroke at the age of 28.  Who does that?  The night of my stroke I thought I was dying of a heart attack.  Brandon knew I was having a stroke.  We argued in the car all the way to the hospital as to if I were having a stroke or a heart attack.  We got to the hospital and I was immediately treated for a stroke.  Brandon of course gave that grin that said "I told you." I am so grateful he was right.  In that moment I was pissed and angry that he knew what was wrong with my body and I didn't.  Well I showed him,  I didn't just have a stroke, I have cancer as well.  Boom, neither of us were right, he was just closer to right than me.

This voyage with cancer had taught me there is more to life than being right, though it is hard to admit.  Cancer taught me my life did suck because I didn't realize how important my husband was to me till I almost died and wouldn't get to see him and argue with him daily.  It took me almost dying to get that the statement, life sucks and then you die, is true because if we never find that person or thing we truly love then we might as well die.  When we find that one who drives us crazy we get strength to want to argue with them to live longer.

Happy

When you have cancer you need to find your happy.  If you do what everyone else says will make you happy, you will be miserable.  People told me not to blog when I wanted to after I had my stroke,  so I didn't.   One day I said screw what others think...now I am happy!!

Good Is

Please check out this "good" version of social media, Good.is.com.  I lovw this website and the positivity it promotes.   I want to believe in the good in the world, and this website is a step in the right direction.

http://www.good.is/posts/new

Mothers judging mothers leads to anger and discrimination

How can we avoid crippling comparisons and promoting hatred in our children?  Stop judging others!! Great article about the problem with mothers.

http://www.crosswalk.com/blogs/christian-trends/motherhood-isn-t-a-competition-it-s-a-calling.html

Tips

No wonder the guy driving the bus at the airport was son grumpy... he can't get tips unless the people smile but people dont smile because they are grumpy.  We just need more smiles in thw world to make bua drivers happy.

Chemo mullet

What do people do when there hair grows back?  I don't want to trim this mullet since my hair has grown back since it but shaved from the craniotomy.  However, I may lose my hair again so I want to so something to this mullet.  What do people do to style their hair in this awkward length?

Underpant gloves

Some people need nice gloves for driving a car.  My child wears under wear gloves to drive a tractor. 

Honesty

I have learned people need to listen to their doctors.  When going through cancer treatment life is scary.  My mind was going 100 miles more an hour, on top of the 250 miles an hour it goes naturally.  I regret not having a tape recorder with me and recording my doctor.  My husband would say "I will remember" and he did remember stuff but not all the info I would have liked...yes I have cancer but I didn't expect a miracle of my husband becoming a better listener.    Just remember the world wants people to speak truth...especially doctors because it would be a huge lawsuit if you got a pill made of shit ;)

Smart ass

There is humor in everything.   5 mins of laughter has the same effect on body as morphine.

Trust

Cancer has taught me life is more than money and things.  It is trusting those around us, who truly love and care about us.  The night of my stroke I didn't trust Brandon.  We bickered all the way to the hospital about whether I was having a heart attack or a stroke.  I was in pain on my left side, not bad pain just discomfort to lose control of my body. I knew heart attacks are what kill people in my family.  I knew I was dying and going by heart attack.  Brandon knew I was having a stroke.  He kept telling me my face was droppy and I looked like his papaw, the fact he said I looked like his papaw is a topic I have forgot to go back and make fun of because usually girls look like other girls.  Well we got to the hospital in record speed, I am pretty sure I told him to slow down because he was going 80 on Egan, for those not in Juneau that is our "freeway" with a max speed of 55.  Sure enough I should have trusted Brandon.  I was having a stroke.  They started me on medication and did an mri which showed something in my brain. Strokes usually involve blood flow to the brain but this masses in my brain had weird blood flow.  A CT was done to reveal 3 tumors in my right parietal lobe.  I was devistated when I was told I had tumors, and even worse was Brandon wasnt there with me because he had taken brayden to school.  That was the first time I have ever felt alone.  Well the first time i recognized that i felt that way. I though, in that moment, I had noone or nothing to live for.  Then that moment passed and I made the decision to not fight or question but trust.  I needed to trust my doctors and heed their words.  Listen to my family and take their advice. Graciously enjoy gifts and kindness from others.  Trust that everyone is looking out for my best interest.  Sure I need to advocate for me, but I also need to respect the training and life experiences of professionals.

This whole cancer business is crazy.   I would never have thought I would say it, but I trust that cancer was chosen to live in me for a reason.  Not sure what it is but I am grateful for my experiences that cancer caused.

personality type and cancer

I am definitely, definitely type A personality, or type Awesome personality.  All these things are so me...and I am so glad I am me to fight cancer.  Cancer requires a lot of listening and paying attention to detail.  If you get cancer read this article first article daily to remind you that active listening and attention to detail are important, but nothing has to be done immediately.  Time is your ally, unless you have to poop, then go to the bathroom.  So when you live life after cancer become a type B personality so you can keep cancer gone.  Read the second article after you beat cancer to learn why you should not be a type A personality if you don't want to get cancer back.  I would bet type B personalities have less cancer than type A personalities.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/samstryker/type-a-more-like-type-awesome?s=mobile

http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4575678

I am happy DADT is repealed

I pray for a world with greater acceptance of others.  We have national anti discrimination laws which I believe cause more discrimination.  However this post is not about all discrimination it is about the repeal of don't ask don't tell (dadt).  As a service member and spouse of a service member I want to speak up and say I am grateful that Dadt is repealed.  I feel everyone is speaking up against it, but I think if there are people out there who support its repeal like me because people are generally caring humans but humans fear being different and don't want to go against the grain.  The military is all about the grain so no one will speak up.  It is not against ucmj to say "I am ok with the repeal of dadt" because fact is, it is repealed.  I don't know if I am the first to say this but yes, I am ok with working with homosexual people at work because at the end of the day we are all just people.  I pray that the acceptance of all in the military, including homesexuals, will lead to acceptance of woman as well, thus reducing the disgusting amount of closet sexual abuse and racism that occurs. Sexual abuse and racism are happening but no one speaks out.  I am speaking out!! 

God Bless America.  America stop being selfish and jealous of others. 

"For where envying and strife is, there is confusion and every evil work".
James 3:16

Honesty should be praised

I want to clarify that I do not believe I am actually a Cass-Hole, but I do believe I am honest.  I thought it was an insult to be called a cass-hole as a high schooler, but now I know that it was the bomb nickname that fits me the best.  In this life only honesty will get you anything or any where in life.

Sun vs Moon

I have grown up believing I am the sun.  I am happy.  I am joy.  I am light. Cancer taught me I am not the sun. Cancer made me believe I am the moon.  I am darknes, I am only available sometimes, I have deep holes that need to be filled. 

This realization was hard for me.  I became very depressed and isolated.  I began questioning my life.  Why was I married? Should I drive my car off the side of the road into the icy waters of Juneau?  Should I have had Brayden?  Should I have more children?  Why did my father abandon me as a child?  Why was I raped?  Why do I have cancer?  I covered up my feelings of "the moon" through keeping myself busy.

I was keeping busy  through busy work, through say a garage sale that I made $900 at.   My "depression"as masked as mania.   I work in mental health, i have classic signs of depression, but I was not diagnosesd with depression so I didnt know i was depressed.  guess that is why they say not to diagnosis yourself because I was depressed and was unable to diagnose myself truthfully because i was still coping with hiding the fact i was raped.  I accepted the diagnosis I was given on steroid induced psychosis as a one time thing.  I don't have mental health issues.  I help people with mental health issues.  I was grateful I wasn't diagnosed with schizophrenia, that was permanent.  I loved only having a temporary psychosis, I  was not going to let go of my belief that I am the sun.  I am the sun.

However instead of focusing on cancer I focused my mental health issues.  Now that I was mentally "healthy" because I was off steroids I seemed "normal" to my family.  Life went on and I dealt with cancer.  I never threw up during treatment, Brandon did. I didnt lose weight during treayment, i gained weight, brandon did too.  I think he had cancer sympathy pains instead of pregnancy sympathy pains :).  The staff in the hospital   was very impressed because i never had the physical side effects of cancer. Cancer was gone.  Cancer to me was not permanent. Back to my positive attitude of the sun.

However my cancer came back harder in less than 3 whole months. I was not healthy. Back to the moon I went.  However, now I  know cancer is not permant, it left once it ,can leave again. I am thw sun, but i began having moon, deppressive thoughts.   I began believing something other than cancer is wrong with me.  I recently made an unrestricted report of my rape.  Since then my life has cleared up, and my tumor has shrunk.  I still have cancer but I have learned that like cancer, rape is not my fault.  I am not responsible for others behaviors.  I have tried so hard to please others, being the sun, that I repressed my moon.  Accepting I have PTSD and that is permanent has helped me accept that it is ok to be the moon.  I don't have to be the moon all the time, I can still be the sun but the moon and sun need each other to balance.  Too much of one would be a bad thing.  

Love to all

Things I am not supposed to do when I have cancer

I need to start a huge list of all the things I have heard from doctors, know it all strangers, and reading about cancer, but I will start with just this one thing today.  "Dont get a pedicure."  I read articles that the "toxicity" of the nail salon can make me sick.  Now that I have cancer, and am a born again cass-hole,  I think, no the toxicity of the salon may give me cancer, I already have that so I can get as many as I want now.  Watch out Brandons check book.  Yes my husband still uses a check book and postage stamps ;)

Cancer has nothing on me

Yes I am a Christian, a mother, and an educated individual.  However I have the mouth of a sailor, which I will blame the coast guard for.  So cancer really did mess with the wrong Cass-hole.