Learning to Love Life Again

Life is not perfect and that is okay.  It is the details of our lives that make us human and special.

I am back in the hospital for chemo.  I am doing well, or as well as one can do while getting chemo and stuck in the hospital. I find joy in talking with my nurses.  Those that know me know I am very talkative person, but being in the hospital the other patients seem to keep to themselves and I have no one to talk to.  Sure I have Brandon here with me most of the time which I am so blessed, however it is fun for me to talk to others with cancer about their experiences.  I tend to be the youngest person in the hospital every time I am inpatient and that is getting old.    The hospital does help me feel physically better, but mentally it is very isolating.

I am so eager to get well and keep myself out of the hospital.  I want to share my experience with cancer with the world.  I believe that there is so much to cancer that is ignored.  I think that when we go to the doctor and learn we have cancer the focus is on the biological or physical changes we will go through.  Don't get me wrong, I think we need to be prepared with all the facts, but I think the facts that the mental changes we will go through should be addressed as well.  We are human and it is my belief that we are made up of mind, body, and soul.  Since we are made up of three parts, it saddens me that we primarily focus on the body.  I think cancer care should focus on all three.  I read a statistic that some 80% of people diagnosed with cancer experience depression.  I am sure that there are various levels of depression but the fact is depression is out there.  Our bodies are thrust into a change with cancer and by default so do our minds and souls.  I believe cancer patients need more access to emotional support through their cancer experience.  I have found so much more joy in my life since I have been working with a psychiatrist and social worker.  I have always thought I am strong woman and I can take on the world.  Cancer has burst that bubble wide open for me.  I have learned I do have limits and that I don't need to take on the world because I live in my own perfect world, it just took me getting cancer to realize how awesome my world is.   Everyday I can choose be focus on the bad in my life or the good.  I have realized that the more good I focus on the better I feel.  What a blessing is that!  I am learning to love life again.  However I do not believe all cancer patients are taught the simple fact that we are how we feel.  I believe there needs to be more focus on the changes that occur in the WHOLE body and that includes the mind.

Any of you agree that there needs to be changes in the way cancer and mental health issues are addressed?

My "normal"

Cancer changes us with it. 

Period.

There is no other way to describe it.  Cancer touches us and then BAM nothing else is the same.  No matter how I try to be the same as I was before I was told I have cancer, I can't.   Recognizing my new "normal" has been hard.  It is still hard.  I still can't believe I have cancer, again.  

I have always felt different from other people; feeling like I CAN fit in anywhere but NEVER feeling like I actually BELONG anywhere.  Cancer has made me feel that way even more.  I look "normal" yet never feel normal since I am a sick no one can see.

Through much soul searching, I have come to the realization that my new normal is just me being me.  I am on this earth for a reason and that reason is to be me.  I BELONG here on earth to be my own kind of normal.  I have spent my life too busy trying to be normal for everyone else but never knew what normal was for me.

Cancer changed me.  Cancer made me realize my normal is okay.  I was worried and anxious about how I would change at the beginning of my cancer voyage and now I am grateful.  I know I am weird, but I am grateful for my cancer.  It has given me the gift of new life, a new normal , a genuine normal, and that is a real blessing.

Was it hard for any of you to accept your new normal after cancer?

Hair

So It has been a year since my special hair cut.  Feel free to check out the video of Brandon and Brayden giving me my hair cut following my brain surgery.  It was hard for me to cut my hair, but it wasn't too hard since the doctor had already shaved like half my head.  I wanted to shave my head at that point.  My hair looked ridiculous!

 I have been getting excited because my hair is getting to a length I like.  I am starting to feel like a girl again.  I actually used my blower dryer for the first time in a year this past week.  It was a great feeling.  However, my good feelings were shot down when I  found out this week that I will most likely lose my hair again when I go through the stem cell transplant.  That makes me sad.  I know, I know, it is just hair.  I get that.  Honestly, I would rather have my heath than my hair.  It just sucks.  Losing my hair is a sign that I am really sick.  It is a physically reminder of what is going on inside my body.  I don't like being reminded I am sick.  
I got rid of some of my wigs and caps since I was told I was healthy.  I went into remission and did my good deed and sent wigs and caps to people that can use them who are going through chemo.  Guess that is what I get for being nice.  Now, I am that sick person again who needs wigs and caps to protect my bald head.

I am grateful my husband loves my bald head, he says he loves that he can spoon me and my hair does not attack him, lol.  Man I love that guy.  I wish the rest of society was so accepting of bald women.  I admit, I like wearing wigs because it is fun to play with my personality, but they are itchy and uncomfortable, I don't like wearing them all the time.  Yet, I wear wigs in public most of the time because I hate the looks I get from strangers when they see my bald/ very short hair.  Maybe I am being paranoid, but people give me what I call "sad eyes" when they look at me.  That is where they look at me with pitty and sorrow.  I don't need anyone's pitty or sorrow.  I believe my life if good.  Sure I have cancer but I am not sad.  This is my life and I know I will be fine, however when I get pitty eyes it makes me doubt.  I don't want to doubt my life so I wear wigs so I look "healthy."  I feel like I have to pretend to be healthy to feel healthy, and that isn't a horrible thing.  Know that saying "fake it till you make it," well that is what I do with wigs.  I am faking that I am healthy until I am healthy.  I know in therapy I tell people to be honest and be their true self and in the past I would have probably discouraged the "fake it till you make it" mentality, now I would support it 100%/ For me I am not currently healthy, but I will be.  My true self is healthy, and that is who I want to be.  So I will fake being healthy until I am healthy.  If that means wearing an awful wig, then so be it.  Remember, it is just hair. ;)

Have you ever faked something until you made it?

Happy Stroke-iversary and Birthday to 7-11

Well Happy Birthday 7-11.  We share today as "special".  Today, one year ago, I was sitting in the CCU in Juneau following a non-vascular stroke and finding out I had three brain tumors.  Well, what says "I'm alive" more than a free slurpee from 7-11 and processed cheese from a dispenser?  I know a little indigestion makes me feel human ;)

I can't believe cancer and I have only been in a relationship for the past year.  This year has flown by so fast yet feels like the slowest year of my life.  I have had so much change; moved to Seattle, had brain surgery, had chemo, went into remission, moved back to Juneau, found out cancer came back, and moved back to Seattle.  Yet, at the same time, things are kind of the same as they were one year ago.  At the end of the day I still have cancer. Sure, I physically live in a new place but my body still has cancer.  I went through almost a whole year of chemo for nothing in regards to cancer.  However, in regard to understanding my life, this last year has been the best one yet.  Yes, I had a stroke and I have cancer, but those things are not going to stop me from living.  Those things have taught me more about life than anything in my life the previous 28 years.  I have had to learn the good, the bad, and the ugly of life; while also being taught the truth about love, kindness, and forgiveness.

I am young and the stroke was a blessing in disguise.  When I had the stroke it was the first time, ever, I have felt not in control of my life.  Literally.  I could not control my body, this was very hard for me.  I am a control freak.  The left side of MY body did not feel like my left side. I would try to move and I could not.  The night of my stroke, I thought not being in control was what was going to kill me.  Now I am grateful because, cancer has taught me I am not in control and that is okay.  The night of my stroke I realized I have never been in control of anything.  There truly is something, larger than me controlling my life.  I have made plans and they don't always happen how I planned, yet the outcome is always more than I could have asked for.  For example, I never wanted nor planned for cancer, yet everything is working out and lining up for me to be fine.


I am grateful for my stroke. I am happy I have a Stroke-iversary.  It is a reminder that life can change over night.  I mean that literally.  366 days ago I was considers healthy and fishing and hiking out at the beautiful glacier in Juneau like a "normal" person, then BAM I woke up sick.  We should not take life for granted.  Ever!  We never know what the next day brings because we are not in control of each day.

Here is to wishing everyone happiness on my stroke-iversary and 7-11's birthday.  Don't forget to get your free slurpee before 11pm tonight on 7-11!

27 ways to help someone with cancer

If you don't follow Elana Millers Blog, you should.  http://zenpsychiatry.com/27-ways-to-make-the-day-of-someone-with-cancer/

I wish everyone knew these 27 things!  Take note my friends!

27 Ways to Help Someone With Cancer

1. Deliver a meal. Make sure to ask in advance if they have any dietary restrictions or are following any guidelines. Stay for a visit, or just drop off the food if they’re not up for it.
2. Deliver a tupperware of several pre-made meals that your friend can heat up as needed.
3. Send a quick email, text, or message saying you’re thinking of them.
4. Add “Feel free to take me up on this offer whenever” when you offer help — they’ll know the offer will still be sincere whenever they need it — in a week, a month, a year.
5. Set a calendar alert reminding you to check in with a quick hello or offer of help on a regular basis.
6. Text them next time you’re at the grocery store and ask if they’d like you to pick anything up.
7. Send a housekeeper to clean up their place. Take care of the details so they just need to be there to open the door.
8. Send a mobile masseuse for a gift massage.
9. Text them the next time you’re at the drug store to see if they need any toiletries.
10. Text them the next time you’re at the pharmacy to see if they need any prescriptions picked up.
11. Add “No need to respond” to the end of your message — they’ll appreciate hearing from you without feeling they need to do anything in return.
12. Offer to take them out for a coffee or lunch date.
13. Offer to visit. Make sure to check that they’re feeling up for it.
14. Offer to take them out to a movie. If they’re too tired, come by with a rental.
15. Offer a ride to chemo and keep them company during the treatment. Even better, commit to giving a ride on a regular basis throughout their treatments.
16. Let them know you’re “on call” for emergencies. Mean it.
17. Send a flower delivery. However, make sure the person isn’t on neutropenic precautions first; fresh flowers can be an infection risk for cancer patients with weakened immune systems. Sadly, I had to give away the many wonderful flower deliveries I got right after my diagnosis.
18. Order take-out and have it delivered. Ask if they have a favorite restaurant, or if they seem too overwhelmed to make any decisions, just get a sense of their dietary preferences and pick out a nice meal for them.
19. Gift a magazine or newspaper subscription.
20. Gift your favorite book.
21. Tell them you love and care about them. Even if they don’t have the energy to respond, your message means a lot.
22. For your lady cancer friend, take her out to a nice beauty treatment. Think: manicure/pedicure, facial, makeup application, etc. It may be the first time she’s splurged on her appearance in a while.
23. Send a card. Make sure it’s legible — cancer eyes are tired eyes 
24. Give an Uber or Lyft gift certificate if you’re not available to offer a ride. I’m a huge fan of Uber and have been using it happily and regularly since my diagnosis.
25. If you’re a close friend or family member, offer to be a “point” person” where you screen and accept/decline other’s invite and help offers. Right after a diagnosis there are many who want to help and visit and call, but the person with cancer might be extremely overwhelmed and need some space for the time being.
26. Understand that a cancer patient is likely too overwhelmed to ask what they need; take the initiative by offering specifics instead of saying “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”
27. Cancer isn’t contagious — give your buddy a hug to let them know you’re on their side.

Vaccinations?

Well I have always said I am pro-choice, for everything.  I believe people have the right to do what they want with their body and for children, parents have the right to choice what they want with their children's bodies.  However, the video attached to this article http://aattp.org/hey-anti-vaxxers-nyc-court-rules-parents-dont-have-the-right-to-send-unvaccinated-children-to-school/  about parents not vaccinating really got to me today.  I guess with everything going on in my life I am having a harder time understanding why people do not vaccinate their children.  By not vaccinating a child, that child is a potential threat to someone like me.

I hate to say that children are walking germ machines, but as a mom I know this to be a true statement.  I have cancer, going through chemo, and I am getting ready to have a stem cell transplant.  I am sick, but I am not germy or contagious.  I have a disease that is not currently preventable, Lord knows I wish it was preventable because it sucks.  Anyway, I currently try not to let my having cancer inhibit me from anything, especially being a mom.  I go to the park with my germy kid and other germy kids.  I take my kid to the play areas in the mall that are oozing with germs.  I know my immune system is low with the chemo, I get sick easy. But, I wash my hands A LOT, along with my sons, and have a constant supply of "magic soap," aka hand sanitizer. Furthermore, I try to detox my body through healthy eating and exercise so I can maintain normal mom activities with germy kids.  Of course I know I am risking by health by being around kids, but I have a kid and I am not going to make him miss out on being a kid because I am sick, with a non preventable disease.  However, with my upcoming stem cell transplant my plans of normalcy might have to change, especially with the increase in parents not vaccinating their kids and outbreaks of preventable diseases.

From what my doctors have told me, I will literally have no immunity following my stem cell transplant.  The stem cell transplant will follow some intense chemo that will kill both good and bad cells in my body, this includes my memory blood cells where immunity is stored.  Therefore it will be like I never had any of the vaccines I have had in the past.  I, a grown woman, will be like a baby with new, un-vaccinated blood.  I will need to get re-vaccinated for all the things I was once vaccinated against.  I have to wait at least six months, but closer to a year, before I can begin re-vaccinating my body since my body will be too weak to handle the vaccines immediately after the transplant.  This means cancer will get a small victory in my life because I won't get to go to the park and do what I want, be a normal mom, because of cancer.  I fear that I will be scared to go to the park since my immunity will be much more compromised than it is now.  Kids have germs and some of their germs can literally kill me.  I don't want my son to miss out on being a kid because I have cancer but I want to see my kid be an adult.  This means I may not be able to take him to play with other kids for a while.  That sucks and isn't fair.  Not saying that non-vaccinated children are the only reason I will fear going out, but it something I have to consider.  I, like all humans, am selfish so I do not like having to think about others, but when it comes to my health, I have too.  I feel like non-vaccinated children are selfish too, well their parents are, because they are not considerate of people like me who are immunocompromised.  Non-vacinated kids go to the same parks and same stores I want to go to; but I can't go because they were selfish and didn't vaccinate and think about me.  By being non-vaccinated, I risk catching their preventable illnesses.  If my cancer were contagious I would not go out, but my disease is not contagious.  If I could get vaccinated against cancer I would.  I choose to get vaccinated, heck, I want to be vaccinated, but I can't for a period of time.  This period of time makes me susceptible to a sickness that could be prevented if everyone else would not be selfish, think about me, and just be vaccinated.

This whole cancer shenanigans has made my ability to empathize towards the choice to not vaccinate difficult.  I have friends who don't vaccinate, does their choice to not vaccinate make them any less my friend? NO, it is their choice!   However, when I am not protected from preventable diseases because I have to wait to get vaccinated, it makes me hesitant to hang out with their kids. Don't get me wrong, I am still pro-choice and I choose to vaccinate.  However, now that I could be recipient of the negative that can happen when a person is not vaccinated, it makes it harder for me to see the side of not vaccinating.  

Someone said to me, "do you think maybe the toxins in all the vaccines you had contributed to your cancer?"  My response to that is "maybe".  The truth is, I have gotten this far in life without a known preventable disease.  I would rather get more vaccines and know that I am prevented from dying in a way I can control.  I would rather my death be from something I could not prevent, wouldn't you?  Cancer sucks. Period. At this point in our society there is no one way to prevent cancer.  Like I said before, if there were a vaccine against all cancer, with research to back it up, I would be in line to get it.  Now I have cancer, I pray that I will have a "cancer immunity".  Probably won't, but it is nice to believe I got it once, well twice, and after this stem cell transplant I will done with cancer.  Realistically though, cancer will always be part of my life.  Am I happy about that, NO.  However, I am happy that I have never gotten measles, rubella, hepatitis, pneumococcal disease, and countless other preventable diseases because my mother chose to vaccinate me.  It is funny that she put thought into vaccinating me and now, by me getting a stem cell transplant, her thought becomes obsolete because my body will have no record of the vaccines.  Now, as an adult I will get to choose whether or I not I vaccinate myself and I without a doubt choose to vaccinate myself.  I choose to protect myself from preventable illness.  Sure I am risking toxins in my body, but there are so many toxins on this earth now that I consider the toxins in vaccines a "good" toxin because it is helping keep me well from some diseases.  

Please let me know your opinion on vaccination.  I am not looking to change anyone's opinion on vaccination because we are all entitled to our opinion but I do love hearing both sides of an argument.  Maybe your opinion will help me empathize with non-vaccinating more.

Have a healthy day!           

I just want to be like everybody else!

"Being special isn’t so special. You will still feel frustrated. You will still feel lonely. You will still feel like you could have done more."  This is from Mark Manson's post Being Special.  

My mom has, with the best of intentions, always told me and my sister we were special.  Sure most moms probably tell their kids this.  I know I tell my son all the time how special he is to me and how the world is so lucky to have such a special boy in it.  I am about to recant these statements and say he is not special nor am I special and nobody in this world is special.  We are all just people trying to get by.  Cancer has taught me I don't want to be "special;"  I just want to be like everybody else!  I don't like being "special."  I want to worry about the little things like what color will I paint my toe nails.  I want to get mad at the things I can't control  external to me like when traffic is bad.  Sure it is nice to not find stress in those situations that use to stress me to the max, however now it sucks knowing that I have to worry and get mad about my life.   I worry everyday when I wake up, is today my last day?  Is my tumor growing and changing my brain? I just coughed, is the cancer spreading in my body?  I don't want to be worried about these things.  I want simple worries and not to be "special."  I believe we all suffer from something, so instead of us all being "special" with that thing, we are all "not special."   For me, being "not special" makes me feel like the norm, and all I want is to be normal again.  I don't like when people classify me as different, or "special" when they find out I have cancer.  I am still just me, just that fun loving Cass-hole with a lot on her mind.

I grew up believing I was special because I seem to always be in control of my life, able to accomplish anything I put my mind too.  Well, cancer brought me down off my high horse and helped me see I am not always special and able to control my life.  I thought I beat cancer and went into remission in January 2014, then March 2014 a new tumor was growing.  Ouch, there went my ability to control cancer.  Cancer has honestly been the first thing I don't believe I can 100% control.  To take the control, the best I can, I, and those around me, have even turned my getting cancer into me being "special" because it is so unique in it's type and that it has effected me at my age.  Primary CNS Lymphoma is a weird lymphoma.  It is not like regular lymphoma where people have swollen lymph nodes.  I never had one swollen lymph node, only tumors in my brain.  People often assume that I have brain cancer since I have tumors in my brain.  I don't have brain cancer because I have Primary CNS Lymphoma.  I am "special" because I don't really fit neatly in one category of cancer.  Further I am special because I was diagnosed with this at 28, the average age is 75.  

These weird facts about Primary CNS Lymphoma makes me "special" and it sucks.  "Special" feels a lot like lonely; it feels like I am the only "special" one with Primary CNS Lymphoma and nobody understands me.  Though online I have "met" a few other "special" ones with Primary CNS Lymphoma, the Primary CNS Lymphoma crowd is not generally hanging out in the doctors office., we are a small crowd.  My transplant oncologist, nice man, said he specializes in lymphoma but has never had anyone with what I have so he has to work closely with the neuro-oncologist, who specializes in brain tumors but doesn't usually have to deal with lymphoma.  So unlike someone with say breast cancer who can see a doctor that specializes in breast cancer, I have to see two doctors who specialize, kind of, in what I have but neither has a firm grasp of exactly what I have.  I love my doctors, don't get me wrong I would not trade my care for the world, but it sucks being so unique and "special."  I just want to be simple.  My mom and husband say I am drama queen but really all I want is a simple life.  Nothing "special."  I am an organized person, I want to fit into a category like everyone else who has either lymphoma or brain cancer.  I don't want to be "special" and not fit neatly into one category. 

At the end of the day I don't want to be "special."  I just want to be like everybody else.  Cancer has made me feel "special" long enough.  I am ready for it to go away.  I think it should go away from everyone so we can all be not special together!  Then we can not do more and be simple together.  Life is simple when you are not special and that is all the "special" I need. 

Is this really my life?

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Well today, like every day was another blessed day because I woke up and I am here.  I had the chance to go to lunch with a fellow cancer survivor who is on her third battle with Lymphoma.  Please say a prayer for my new friend Penny that she remains strong through this clinical trial that is keeping her well.  She is a true fighting soul like me and I she has been dealing with cancers grip since 2010.  Penny and I met because I wanted to find out about her experience with an autologous stem cell transplant [ASCT].  She had one at Fred Hutch which is where I will be going for the transplant.  I was so inspired to hear about how it went for her.  She was honest with me and that is all I ever ask from people.  I know it will not be a fun experience but meeting and hugging someone that had one gave me comfort that it will all be ok.  I left my lunch date feeling with continued confidence about the ASCT. However, my confidence was shattered when I actually began reading the booklet I was sent about transplants.  I just sat and cried.  When did this become my life?  When did trying to  understand a stem cell transplant become "normal"?  I haven't cried about my cancer in at least a week and this was a bigger cry than I cried in months.  I am scared.  I am grateful for my husband who just lets me cry, but it is hard since this should not be my life.  I should not have to cry about cancer and cry about getting healthy. I am 29, I should just be healthy!  I want to be done with cancer.  I thought I was prepared for the ASCT since we have been talking about it since April and it is the one treatment that should put me into remission.  However, the reality of knowing I will meet the doctor who will preform the procedure tomorrow brought on a flood of emotions.  I don't like having mixed emotions.  I am a simple girl.  I want to be happy or sad. Not both.  I am happy to have insurance and the opportunity to get "well" from my cancer through the ASCT.  Yet I am sad that this is my reality.  Most people my age are having kids or starting careers.  That was supposed to be me.  Instead I am trying to just stay alive.  It is a blessing and a curse.  Cancer makes death real.  It is like when I walk I know that the little black cloud is following me.  We all have that black cloud because inevitably we will all die, but before I was diagnosed with cancer I was oblivious to the black cloud.  Everywhere I go, that cloud is now there, shouting at me and making his presence known.
   I feel that I have been given this second chance at life surviving a stroke and beating cancer once. I am too stubborn to let cancer kill me, though all the crap that goes with cancer might kill me or at least drive me crazy.  The embarrassment that comes with forgetting stuff all the time; the sadness when I have to tell my son "no mommy cant play with you I am too tired or I don't feel well"; the body aches that come from nowhere; the night sweats that make me question if I peed myself; the having to wait for MRI results to find out if I am getting "better" and if the tumor is shrinking when I have no patience to begin with; the look of fear in others' eyes when I tell them I have cancer; the calming others down when I tell them I have cancer; and so many other things my list could go on for days.  I was still considered "normal," I use that term loosely since my family says I have never been normal,  a year ago.  My stroke was 7/11 so I was "healthy" and everything less than 365 days ago.  I live in awe some times, in disbelief that this is my life.  I just don't understand.  I know I will never understand and honestly I get that, but with my control issues it doesn't stop me from wanting to understand.  I am a questioner.  I love to know why things happen.  Cancer is one thing I will never know why it happened to me and that sucks!  I don't want cancer to be part of my life, yet here it is.  Sure I wake up feeling fine and some days,  I feel better than I did 365 days ago.  I feel "healthy" and wonder is this really my life?  How can I feel healthy?  I have cancer.  I should not feel well, but I do.

I guess this really is my life.  I am grateful for it, but I don't understand it.  Guess that is why I am human.  My life really has changed the past year.  Have you had any change this past year that make you wonder, is this really my life?

A gun rant today

Saw this on facebook and made me flustered today. Isn't it sad that this is true?  Makes my stomach churn and makes me worry about Brayden starting kindergarten.  I am happy that I don't have to explain gay marriage to him, ever, because that is not something I care about.  Not that I dont' care about gay people, it is just that getting married, gay or straight, is other people's business, so not something I feel I need to explain to a 5 year old.  Later in life, if my son is gay, so be it, then we can have that conversation and I will love him anyway. School shootings though that is totally controllable, parents need to lock up their guns and teach their children the proper use of guns and emotions.  Guns are for hunting animals, not humans when you are mad or angry!  My personal belief is we do need some better gun control, I think it is weird that in some places we have lived I can go in and buy a hand gun and leave same day, but a rifle they need to do a background check.  A gun is a gun, they should be for hunting animals and protection. That is why we have the right to bear arms in this country.  However,  the world is a changing people. Mental health issues are on the rise, even among the youngest of people, our children.  Mental health needs to be addressed.  Kids are not being taught emotional regulation and they seem to think that to solve their problems with other kids they should kill or harm that person..  Isn't that sad?  Our kids live in a place where they would rather hurt another person than talk to that person and work out their issues?   I am not saying this applies to all kids or that it applies to only kids.  "Adults," I use this term loosely because a mentally stable adult wouldnt shoot another for "fun," are just as freaking crazy.  Poor mental health and guns just are not a good combination because impulse control and emotional regulation is not working properly in a person with a mental illness.   Don't get me wrong, I do not think we should lock up people with mental health issues either.  I have mental health issues and I know it.  I am comfortable talking about them and taking medication because I know the consequences of me not taking medication or talking, this includes poor impulse control.  For me, poor impulse control does not mean I would shoot up a school, but maybe I would shoot up myself; I like to believe I would not kill myself and I would probably go shopping and spend too much money, but suicide has crossed my mind.  In my healthy state of mind, I am not a fan of suicide, I believe it is a selfish way out of a problem.  It is a permanent fix to a temporary problem.  I know this, but suicidal thoughts still cross my mind when my emotional regulation is out of whack.  When these thoughts cross my mind, I know I need to reach out of my comfort zone and ask for help.  I know this for me, but sadly working in mental health, I know many others are not comfortable reaching out of their comfort zone, hence when shootings, suicide and homicide, occur.  Sure, accidents happen with guns. but as a proud gun owner I know that can be a consequence of owning guns.  This is why my guns are locked up, away from my 5 year old.  My son will not know the code to our safe until he is grown.  Sure he might use a gun and go hunting with his father, but the guns will be locked up when not hunting, that is what some might call being "over protective" but I like to believe it is safe parenting.  I don't want my son hurting himself and I don't want him, or I, to have to live with the guilt if he made a poor decision to harm another human with a gun.

This was a long rant for a short twitter post, I know, but it just seems this topic of gay marriage and school shootings should never have to be in the same post!  Please share how you feel in the comments below. I am not trying to start a debate, I am just curious in others opinions.  I am not swaying in my beliefs, but I might if I had all the facts :)

XOXO

Why do you have cancer?

This week my son said the cutest thing, he says cute things all the time but this one really stood out to me since it made me tear up.  Of course when I cried he turned into his daddy and said "mommy stop crying, you are fine."  Anyway, we were driving and had this conversation:

Brayden:  "Mommy, why do you have cancer?"
Me: "I don't know doodle bug"
Brayden: "Did you ask Dr. Malpass?" (my oncologist, yes my 5 year old knows my doctors name)
Me: "I did ask him.  He doesn't know.  He thinks because I am special." (made that part up because my doctor really doesnt know, he calls me his "pediatric patient" since the average age for Primary Central Nervous System Lymphoma [PCNSL] is 75)
Brayden: "Mommy, I don't like you having cancer."
Me: "Me either Buddy, but I am ok."
Brayden: "Mommy, do you think God knows why you have cancer?"
Me: "I think so.  He is the only one who knows."
Brayden: "When I get to heaven can I ask him?"
Me: "You sure can.  I will go to heaven before you though so I can ask and tell you when you get there."
Brayden: "Ok.  Can we just go to heaven and ask him right now?"
Me: "Well not until we are old and die."
Brayden: "But Mommy, I can build a rocket ship and we can just ask and come back."
Me (laughing) "Brayden we can't take a rocket ship to heaven"
Brayden: "What about an airplane?"

  Kids are amazing.  Anyway Brayden continued to come up with many other ways to get to heaven to find out why I have cancer. One included riding fireworks. It was so sweet and so innocent.  I love that Brayden thinks cancer sucks, but accepts that it is just part of who I am.  Unlike strangers who I meet and then when they find out I have cancer look at me like I have to plague.  I just want to yell, I am not contagious!
I have all my own theories why I have cancer such as
* I got PCNSL because I have an old soul, so I have an old person cancer
*I got PCNSL because I worked at deep water horizon and would be covered in oil and breath in the oil that was being burned.  The smoke from the oil was so thick that it literally shaded the sun.  Oil has cancer connections.
*I got PCNSL because of the stress of getting my masters degree at USC.  I was in an intense program and stress can can cause tumor growth. My initial tumor is believed to have started growing in Feb 2013; this was the beginning of my last semester of grad school.  I was super stressed to get everything done and my hours of internship completed for graduation.  Plus I was the head of planning my 10 year reunion for high school, living in AK when party was in SD.  My 10 year reunion was the day after my graduation.
* I got PCNSL because I secretly wanted to stay home with my son and not work full time.
* I had a stroke as an intervention from God, or the other side, because I was having suicidal thoughts.  I now know these thoughts were a result of my tumors effecting my chemical balance in my brain, but had I not had a stroke I would not have discovered the tumors and that I have PCNSL
* I got PCNSL because I have lived in constant stress growing up without two parents.  Research shows children in single parent homes experience more stress than children from two parent homes.
* I got PSNSL because I was raped leading to toxic memories. Memories are stored in the brain and my brain finally had enough and needed cancer to get the memories out.

Nobody, not even my doctor, can say why I got cancer.  Especially a rare form and at such a young age.  People tell me to stop diagnosing myself.  Who better to diagnose me than myself?  I am not saying any of these reasons are my I got cancer but I am saying no one can prove me wrong! I read the book Mind Over Medicine by Lissa Rankin.  I highly suggest it to anyone with an illness or just interested in their health and maintaining optimal health.  She provides tools for finding insight within ourselves.  I believe that understanding ourselves and how we function as an individual is the key to health.  I have been "healthy" throughout my cancer treatment and I plan to stay that way.  I am stubborn and will not let other peoples ideas of what a person with cancer "should" look and feel effect me.  I am happy and I refuse to let cancer or anyone else break my spirit down.

I hope to go to heaven before Brayden, and when I do my first question will be "Why God? Why do we have cancer on earth? "  Some say the first think we should do in heaven is thank God for allowing us in, but I doubt God will be surprised that that the first thing I do is fuss at him.  I am a pretty good fusser.  I fussed at Brandon on our first "date" and I will probably fuss at him today, so I have a long history with fussing and questioning. God knows this and I pray that he will forgive me.  It is easier to ask for forgiveness later than permission in the beginning :)

I am curious why do you think you have cancer, or any sickness?  Feel free to comment in box below.

Have a great day!!

XOXO

Happy Birthday to me!

I have always said that my 29th birthday would be the first of my many 29th birthdays since I don't want to turn 30. That is a sign I am getting older and I don't want to get old.  However, in the last year my idea of getting old has changed.  It has dawned on me that I AM OLD!  Life is about living and I have been so focused on the things I want to do before I get old that I had a stroke and got a cancer that 75 year olds get.  I had a stroke before I am 30.  I am pretty sure that makes me an old person.  Nothing wrong with being old, I have just never wanted to be old, funny thing is I never wanted to be young either.  I wanted to be 29.  29 seemed like the age that people have it all together.  People were at their "peek."  I don't really know why I believed this, but now that I am 29, I think I have so much more to learn and I am certainly at no peek in anything.  I want to get old.  Getting old is a rare gift; everyday is a gift from God, but the real treat is when He allows you to get old and share all the days you have had on Earth with others.  I feel so blessed to have made it to where I am and I would not trade a thing in my life.  My life is my gift and I pray I get the gift of old age to continue to share my story with others. I had a dear friend say to me last week, "I don't know how you are alive?" LOL.  I will be honest, I don't know either but I have a guess.  I am so blessed for the gift of life God has given me and I feel extra special today since it is my birthday.  I am grateful my mom chose to have me and that God made her my mom.  I can appreciate the gift of life because of her.  She always told me I could be anything I want to be when I grow up and I have always said "I want to change the world, I want to make a difference."  Well maybe I am still alive because I have not made the difference in the world I am supposed to yet.  I don't know what I am supposed to do, but I just feel it in my heart that there is so much I want to change about the world.  I know I am making a difference in the life of my family, lets just say I love my husband but he functions a lot better with me around and I want to believe that is part of why I am here still.  I make his life easier, most days, and eventually I will do something to make the lives of other better too.  

 It sucks to have cancer on your birthday.  If life were perfect no one would have cancer, especially on their birthday.  Lucky my cancer isn't hurting today and I fell well, what a blessing.  However, I cry when I think about all the children who are diagnosed and die from cancer each day.  All of them who are diagnosed don't get to have a "normal" childhood.  Cancer changes a person and "normal" becomes a very subjective word.  Here I am complaining about cancer and there are children out there who will never get to know all the joys of human flesh.  However, at the same time I am jealous in a way of the ones who die because they get to go back to Heaven and avoid the sadness and evil of this earth.  I like to believe that Earth is a good place, but realistically there is evil in this Earth and I believe there is none in Heaven.  Where would you rather be?  I choose Heaven, but not yet, not until I am old.  There are so many children who never get to grow old and I pray for them and their families often.  

Life with cancer is not fun. I can tell you first hand living with it is not Heaven. But, cancer has let me see a little piece of Heaven and that is what I am grateful for this year for my birthday.  Having a stroke and cancer and having the fear of death made very present to me was a gift only others with near death experiences can understand but I hope to share it with you. Having a stroke and being diagnosed with cancer gave me a piece of Heaven on earth that I will cherish until I get to Heaven.  To me, Heaven on Earth is waking up alive, not necessarily feeling well but alive with a pumping heart, and seeing the love in my sons eyes, seeing the quirky smile on my husbands face, seeing my dog get excited to see me every time I come back into the room, seeing the sun rise, seeing the wind blow the trees so effortlessly, and so much more my list could go on.   I am so grateful to be alive this year for my birthday because less than 12 months ago I thought I was leaving this Earth for good and would not get to celebrate any more birthdays on this Earth.  Today really is my one and only 29th birthday  since I am looking forward to turning 30, 40, 50 even 100 because that means God trusts me enough to get old and do something in this world. 

That's what "He" said

Please check out Julie's blog http://lessthanperfectlifeofbliss.blogspot.com/ for great reading.  I just loved her post today about asking he dad, he knows.  I don't doubt her father knows.  He is one of the most amazing men I know and I am so grateful that he was the one that sent the foundation for my marriage by officiating my wedding.  My rant today is a good one.  It is how a relationship with a father is like a relationship with God.  Many know but many don't know that I grew up without a father in my life.  Julie's post made me realize that not having a human father present was okay because when I had questions about life and why things were happening to me, things that were not supposed to happen to kids or humans in general, He, God, knew.  He knew that all these "bad" things would make me stronger.  He knew I would be fine when I didn't.  I didn't know Him, but he knew one day I would come around, He was patient.  He has given me so many chances to know Him, and me in my selfish ways would say hello to Him and go on my merry way.  It took me getting cancer to realize He knows and He knew. I know nothing in comparison to Him, well Him and my mom.  My mom knows everything too, but I know even she doesn't know as much as Him :)   I am a very stubborn woman, God knows this.  I can't help it, I was born that way.  I definitely know that is a trait I get from my mom.  I am getting to '"know" my biological father and it took me getting cancer to forgive him for not being around.  I have always believed a child NEEDED mother and a father to turn out "normal," but that the mother was the most important person in the child rearing relationship; I turned out fine with just a mom, I think I am pretty "normal."  Now fast forward in my life, I married someone from a home with a mother and a father and, well, he is not very "normal,"  but he is a great father.  Cancer has taught me that a mother and father both have important roles in a childs life; they both need to show the child love.  Cancer has made me realize that if I were gone, Brandon could take on the role of mother and father.  Though I would never want him to, that is why we are married, cancer has taught me can.  He, Brandon, knows more than I have given him credit for.  If you asked me a year ago what Brandon knows I would have said "how to be a smart ass."  Now if you ask me what Brandon knows, I know he knows God and by knowing God, he, Brandon knows all he needs too.  They say as people are age together they turn into each other, I can't believe I am saying it, but I am grateful that I know I am turning into Brandon.    


Thanks Julie for inspiring my post today :)

Choices

So in my free time this morning I watched this video.  It was me, this seemingly perfect life on the outside but inside there was so much stress and anxiety and anger.  I thought the video  was good saying that hard work does not lead to happiness.  After that I realized it was just a sales pitch.  The woman kept saying "I didnt believe in hocus pocus" yet yeah she does.  She is selling a "magic" way to fix your life.  I continued watching for a laugh.  I thought I believed in the Law of attraction, which I kind of do, but I think I believe in the power of good choices.  Sure cancer is NOT how I imagined my life, but everything after cancer seems to have worked out.  I believe my choices to join the coast guard, marry Brandon, and get my MSW all made my dealing with cancer easier.  Maybe cancer changed my "energetic properties" in the world, but really I just think it was the choices I have made.
http://manifestationmiracle.com/?hop=jp2165

Cancer food

Brayden was having lunch of strawberries and oatmeal.  He had some cheezits left over from his snack and started dumping them in his food.  I said, eww child you are gross, his response was priceless "mommy this is cancer food.  Try it, you wont get cancer."  Of course I tried it, it was disgusting,  but he is such a thoughtful boy, too bad he forgets I already have cancer.  I am so grateful he is so open about cancer.  He just "knows" he will cure me.  Kids are awesome.

Blurred lines

We live in a world with blurred lines that are just getting more blurry; and I am not talking about the Robin Thicke and Mylie Cyrus song though they have some crappy boundaries and could be a whole different rant than this Cass-hole post.  I was watching the news this morning and felt a pain in my stomach hearing about two girls in Wisconsin who almost killed another girl because they were expressing their loyalty to "the slenderman."  Slenderman is a fictional character, like the boogy man or Big foot.  These girls thought he might be real and by showing their loyalty they could run away with him.  Really??  These girls would rather run away with a killer and hurt another human than live their own life?  They are 12 years old.  Their life can not be that bad.   I find it interesting that I found and article, see weblink below, that focused on the girls expressing some regret, where on the Today show the reporter reported that one of the girls "felt bad she didn't feel more guilt for her behavior."  Well at the end of the day these girls hurt and almost killed another girl.  They should feel remorse and because they dont, that shows a real problem in our society.  There are so many blurred lines between what is real and what is fake.  What is good and what is bad.  What is right and what is wrong.  This concerns me because there should not be blurred lines between moral character.  There should be blurred lines in physical non moral things like between is this color blue or dark blue, is my hair to long, etc.  Dear Lord please help our world figure out what the real blurred lines are.

https://news.yahoo.com/police-girls-charged-stabbing-expressed-regret-144522802.html

Cancer is hard on a marriage

I stumbled upon this article today and it was so touching.  I recommend reading it for any couple going through cancer, or any illness, or a couple who wants to prepare for some sort of live changing event.  Brandon and I have definitely had our marriage tested through my stroke and cancer diagnosis.  If it were not for our "friendly" competitive nature, I don't know that I would be alive.  I thank God he was right that I just had a stroke, I was scared of a heart attack.  If he would have thought I was having a heart attack that night I probably would have had one and died because my heart literally felt like it would pound out of my chest.  Brandon was exactly who I needed him to be, not who I wanted him to be. I wanted him to cry like me and be sad.  I could die, yet he never cried or showed emotion in front of me.  He treated me like nothing had changed, pretty much told me to go do the dishes ;).  My nurse at the hospital actually smacked him because he asked if I could go home to do dishes before I got on the plane to head to Seattle for brain surgery.  Those that know Brandon know I am not exaggerating :) However, this smart ass man was who I married and God knew I would need his smart ass-ness to complement my Cass-holeness in this life.  I was so angry with him for a while about his lack of emotion, I felt he didn't care.  However, he did care.  He cared so much that he took the pain for me the best he could.  He did exactly what we were told to do in our premarital counseling with Pastor Cross.  Early in our marriage we were told to be co-pilots in marriage, meaning that if one of us is down the other can take control and get us to our final destination of a happy life.  Be equals. However remember if life is going to throw a punch, one of us should duck the punch so that one of us is strong and can keep the flight going towards that final destination.  Cancer was the punch to our marriage, however I think it was a full blown attack on our marriage.  Cancer knocked me down, but not Brandon.  Brandon stayed strong even when I was angry and wanted him to be weak like me.  That old saying misery loves company seems all too clear now.  Cancer taught me that if I am knocked down, Brandon really could handle the flight that is our life, he could be the only pilot and we would arrive at our happy destination without my guidance.        

http://www.crosswalk.com/family/marriage/relationships/how-your-marriage-can-recover-from-a-serious-illness-or-injury.html?ps=0

Another cancer lesson

Laying in bed this morning, totally uncomfortable with Brayden on my stomach, it dawned on me, there is no place I would rather be than in bed with my family.  Cancer has helped me re-prioratize my life.  Before my stroke I had have lived everyday thinking about what comes next, never enjoying the present moment.  Now every moment is special.  Every thing I have I should be grateful for.  Life can literally change over night.  I am so blessed to be able to lay around with my son and enjoy the wonder that he is and enjoy my husband for the incredible father he is.

Chasing life

Who is looking forward to this show?  I am!!!!

Free Photo Shoot

If you are going through cancer or a survivor and would like a nice picture of you and your family check out this website. http://www.magichourfoundation.org/   They offer a free photo session for cancer fighter/survivors.  I just signed up, not sure if in my area but I am looking forward to this!

Strength

I once had someone in my life who said "life sucks and then you die." I believed he was just a bitter, angry person.  Now I kind of feel bad for him, I believe he had no one or nothing to live for, unlike me.

  I had a stroke at the age of 28.  Who does that?  The night of my stroke I thought I was dying of a heart attack.  Brandon knew I was having a stroke.  We argued in the car all the way to the hospital as to if I were having a stroke or a heart attack.  We got to the hospital and I was immediately treated for a stroke.  Brandon of course gave that grin that said "I told you." I am so grateful he was right.  In that moment I was pissed and angry that he knew what was wrong with my body and I didn't.  Well I showed him,  I didn't just have a stroke, I have cancer as well.  Boom, neither of us were right, he was just closer to right than me.

This voyage with cancer had taught me there is more to life than being right, though it is hard to admit.  Cancer taught me my life did suck because I didn't realize how important my husband was to me till I almost died and wouldn't get to see him and argue with him daily.  It took me almost dying to get that the statement, life sucks and then you die, is true because if we never find that person or thing we truly love then we might as well die.  When we find that one who drives us crazy we get strength to want to argue with them to live longer.